Area Stores Stock Up On Shit

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Vol 30 Issue 17

Area Male Extroverted

PHILADELPHIA—At any given moment, Randy Grebcyk might initiate a conversation with a total stranger.

Barbra Streisand To Take Rare Public Dump

LOS ANGELES—Barbra Streisand fans worldwide are clamoring for tickets to the singer's first public defecation since her sold-out Carnegie Hall dump in 1975. "This is a once-in-a-lifetime event," said rabid Streisand fan Elaine Waldman, 43. "To see Barbara evacuate her bowels and wipe her ass live is something I wouldn't miss for anything in the world. It's truly an event." The 15,000 $250 tickets for "Barbra: It's Time To Go" sold out in less than half an hour, and scalpers are now asking up to $4,000 for prime seats. In addition to the live audience, the dump will be carried on pay-per-view television. An HBO special on the making of the dump is also in the works.

All U.S. Males Renamed Dudley

WASHINGTON, DC—An emergency session of Congress rushed into passage Monday legislation changing the first names of all American males to Dudley. "Dudley is a great name," said House Majority Leader Dudley Gingrich, explaining the move. President Dudley Clinton signed the bill late Monday night. "Though I felt that Otto was a better choice for a new name, I am satisfied with the compromise that has been reached," Clinton said. The only males who will not be named Dudley are those who already had the name. Those males will be re-named Ira.

Goodyear Unveils New, Circular Tires

AKRON, OH—The Goodyear rubber company unveiled a brand new, perfectly round tire Monday, one that it says will replace all its earlier models of oval-shaped tires. "Market research showed that consumers prefer fuel economy and driver control over the comical, boingy-boingy motion of a car on oval tires," said Goodyear representative Arthur Campau. Consumers are cautioned to store the new tires flat against the floor, as they can roll away when standing upright.

Bangladesh Runs Out Of People

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—A devastating typhoon claimed the lives of the final 290,000 people in Bangladesh Tuesday, reducing the Southeast Asian nation's population to zero. "After countless natural disasters, we have finally run out of people," said Bangladesh President Abdur Biswas, who was abroad at the time. "I am not surprised: It was bound to happen sooner or later. A country can only have so many floods, hurricanes, tidal waves, typhoons, monsoons and earthquakes before it runs out of people." The government of India has rushed to its neighbor's aid, filling Bangladesh's population deficit with millions of its own citizens in time for the coming mudslide season.

Man From Last Week Smacked Into Present Day

WILMINGTON, NC—n a rare case of violence-powered time travel, Wilmington resident Phil Zipper was smacked into this week by a forceful blow delivered by his wife during a Nov. 29 fight. "Wow, I thought she was just talking colorfully," Zipper said moments after materializing in a burst of swirling colored light at the intersection of 18th and Main, just three blocks from the site of last week's smack. Zipper, who has been dubbed "The Man From Last Week," added: "I have so much to learn about your strange world. So much has changed since my time. Is orange juice still on sale at ShopKo? Did the Bulls win Sunday? Have hatred and prejudice finally been eradicated?"

I Fear Grass

Oh, infernal grass, how your greenness haunts me! You camouflage the most diseased of vermin—insects, rodents and children scamper freely in your expansive forests of grotesque greenery we call yards.

It's Not A Crack House, It's A Crack Home

I'll bet a day doesn't go by that I don't hear something negative about crack cocaine, and the people who love it. Well, it just so happens that, despite all the mudslinging you may have read in the magazines, there are plenty of decent, hardworking crack lovers, just like in any other "walk of life."
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Area Stores Stock Up On Shit

CHICAGO—With the official start of the holiday season just days away, Chicago retailers—like those across the U.S.—are bracing for the coming onslaught of shoppers with an unprecedented stockup on shit.

In anticipation of the hordes of shoppers the holiday season brings, area retailers are busy filling their shelves with shit

"You wouldn't believe how much shit we are selling," said Amos Frawley, manager of a Chicago-area Wal-Mart store. "Electric razors, Toy Story videos, novelty ties, football phones, Hickory Farms cheese-and-meat gift sets—you name it, they're buying it. We're packing every inch of shelf space with shit, and we still can't keep up with the demand."

Among the shit expected to reach new sales levels this year is Christmas-themed shit, such as shiny tree decorations and ceramic, hand-painted Santa figurines. Also expected to sell well are articles of clothing which light up at night, such as glow-in-the-dark Joe Boxer-brand boxer shorts and battery-operated Dearfoam slippers with special "Nite-Lites" attached to the front.

"Novelty shit always seems to sell well," said Elaine Maier, head apparel buyer for an area Marshall Field's department store. "Then again, around this time of year, people will buy just about any shit they can get their hands on."

Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL, is getting into the spirit of the holidays—and of selling loads of shit—by decorating its courtyard in a "Wonderland of Shit" motif featuring Christmas-themed shit from all 172 of its stores. Actor Jeff Goldblum is slated to appear at the mall Friday to officially kick off the festivities by reciting his famous Jurassic Park line, "That is one big pile of shit."

Though Christmas is still weeks away, the shopping has already hit a fever pitch. "I got to the mall at 6 a.m. today, two hours before it even opened," said Edgar Janks of DeKalb, IL. "I want first crack at the shit. Nobody wants to get there after all the good shit's gone."

Said Chicago's Debra Tanner, who was at the mall Monday to buy a large amount of shit, including a cordless phone, a Charlotte Hornets NBA Starter jacket and a five-speed foot massager: "I don't have nearly enough time to get the shit I need."

Lower prices are also expected to spur purchases of shit this year. Toys 'R' Us, the nation's largest toy retailer, is aggressively promoting its seasonal slogan, "The shit you want at the best prices."

"Not only is there more shit this year than ever before," said noted economist Milton Friedenzohn, "but what there is is far shittier. The Sanyo boom boxes being sold this year, for example, are even more likely to break than those from the previous year. And those new Panasonic WebTVs are just shit."

In addition to familiar retailers, shops specializing in seasonal shit are opening temporarily in hopes of capitalizing on the December craving for shit. "Christmas Shit," "Wicks 'n' Shit," and "Bob's Shittery" are just a few of the stores offering customers nothing but shit.

Even supermarkets are altering their inventories to meet the demand for shit, filling shelves with decorative snack tins featuring depictions of Santa Claus, which cost twice as much as comparable items that come in ordinary packaging. Also available are pfefferneuse cookies, egg nog and holiday Oreo cookies with red shit inside.

Said Friedenzohn: "There's going be a whole lot of shit under America's Christmas trees this year."


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