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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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Area Students Prepare Breasts For Increased Springtime Display

Female college students from across the northern U.S. celebrated the improved weather this week, preparing their breasts for the increased exposure and display that the warm weather now demands. For the last several months, the students’ breasts have existed only in the imaginations and fond memories of others, obscured by baggy sweaters, bulky ski jackets, and shapeless flannel.

Students like this University of Colorado junior are excited to once again display their breasts, sporting form-fitting Urban Outfitter T-shirts in response to warm spring weather.

Yet, with the coming of spring, all that has changed, as students now slip into less fabric and fewer layers. Their breasts, like big cuddly honeybears wiping the sleep from their eyes as they emerge from hibernation, once again climb out into the sunshine, stretch out in the open air, and with near-mythic power grab the attention of all around, their taut nipples and gently undulating femme-flesh seeming almost to smile and say: “Look at us! Look at us!”

“I just bought a new spring ‘mini-T’ from Urban Outfitters,” University of Michigan sophomore Debi Kahn, 19, says. “Its snug, almost too-small fit captures the essence of my girlhood, and at the same time allows me to prominently display my womanhood. It also has a Charlie’s Angels logo on it in 1970s-style iron-on glitter-puff.”

Kahn’s classmates who have seen the shirt confirmed that it was “so way fly,” and added they are eagerly looking forward to seeing her breasts protrude exuberantly from within it.

“At schools in warmer climates, the vast quantities of breasts tend to take on a diminished significance, because of overexposure,” says Professor Hiram Milchan of the Hebraic Studies department of the Greater Miami Divinity School. “The campus populace tends to become jaded toward breasts, as they are nearly always visible even to a casual onlooker.”

Pointing out his office window at an impromptu dormyard game of bikini volleyball, Milchan adds, “This does not move me. The undulating, the bouncing, the firm upraised globes leaping skyward, then back down again with a resounding bounce—all of this has become commonplace here in Florida.”

Milchan went on to explain that in northern climes, the ebb and flow of the seasons creates a corresponding ebb and flow of breast visibility. At the University of Wisconsin and other northern universities possessing lengthy winters and a left-leaning, socially liberal student body, the recent preponderance of breast displays has brought student traffic to near-gridlock, with heterosexual males and both closeted and out lesbians gawking at the near-unbelievable levels of mammarian visibility.

Although most agree that the natural power of the female breast needs no improvement, some women are using technology to further their breast goals. Northwestern University sophomore Heather Bain, a self-described B-cup with aspirations toward the C range, plans to covertly employ a “Miracle Bra,” a new, highly technical device that utilizes cutting-edge “padding technology” to make the breasts appear a full cup size larger. The “Wonder Bra,” a similar device, uses equally high-tech wire to compress the breasts forcibly, producing greatly increased “cleavage.”

Experts are not surprised by the students’ breast enhancement efforts, as spring frequently brings about a heightened air of sexual tension.

“From ancient Mesopotamian societies all the way to today’s college campus settings, young people have frequently paid increased attention to sexual matters with the onset of warm weather,” University of Minnesota sociology professor Jane Simonson says. “I myself, though no spring chicken, have initiated numerous illicit affairs with strapping young students of mine, both male and female, though I am well past my prime breeding years.”

Lesbian student organizations agreed.

“Although we are deeply opposed to the systematic sexual objectification of women and their breasts by male heterodoxy, we lesbians are in a uniquely two-fold position of strength in these wondrous springtime months, enjoying both the opportunity to display our fantastic breasts to others, and the chance to enjoy an eyeful of the breasts of our fellow sisters,” says Meghan Thomas of Lesbian Students for Social Change.

Spotting a lithe, tube-topped, female rollerblader speeding along nearby, she bit her knuckles, adding, “Wow!”

More from this section

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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