Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair

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Vol 34 Issue 05

Paramount Pictures Proudly Shelves Latest Film

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Paramount Pictures is rolling out the red carpet to shelve its latest comedy, The Munsters. "Join us in welcoming this poorly realized film to the Paramount studio archives," read a press release for the film, not coming to theaters any time soon. "Based upon the mid-'60s TV show, this $45 million bad film was intended to capitalize upon the nostalgic appeal of the series, but became bogged down in rewrites and production delays, only to end up as an unwatchable career-ender." The press release also described the casting of actor Larry Hagman in the role of Grandpa Munster as "a stupid, stupid move."

Monopoly Player Insists On Being Wheelbarrow

BAKERSFIELD, CA–The start of a Monopoly contest was stalled for more than 30 minutes Monday, when player Andrew Shermer insisted on being the wheelbarrow. "I must be the wheelbarrow in any game which I am to play," Shermer, 10, told reporters in a press conference at his home in Bakersfield. "Jamie [Dugan] and Chris [Cambria] are being ding-dongs about this." While Dugan, 8, cited Shermer's use of the wheelbarrow in last week's game as the basis for his claim over the coveted game piece, Cambria claimed "rightful dominion" over the piece based upon the fact that playing was his idea. The dispute was eventually resolved by Shermer's mother, Linda Shermer, who seized the wheelbarrow piece and forced the disgruntled players to choose among the thimble, dog, racecar, top hat and shoe. The iron could not be found.

Russia Renamed 'Batshitzania'

MOSCOW, BATSHITZANIA–With political turmoil and economic chaos threatening to tear the nation apart, Russia's parliament voted unanimously Monday to rename the crumbling former superpower "Batshitzania." "We felt a new name was in order to suit our new identity," said acting Batshitzanian prime minister Viktor Chernomyrdin, standing atop a burning Kremlin. "Citizens are frantically trying to get rid of their worthless rubles, our nuclear weapons are sitting unguarded in abandoned silos, and the mentally unstable Boris Yeltsin, who is scheduled to undergo octuple-bypass surgery next week, refuses to step down. Basically, everything's going bat-shit zany over here." Other names considered for the collapsing nation include Kabloomia, Dystopskia and Hell.

Kenneth Starr Orders LBJ Exhumed For Investigation Of Possible Sexual Impropriety

WASHINGTON, DC–Vowing to "restore morality, integrity and accountability to the office of the presidency," Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr ordered the exhumation of President Lyndon Johnson's corpse Tuesday in connection with possible sexual misconduct during his tenure in the White House. "Since the late President Johnson has not been forthcoming with the truth about his relationship with Miss Glass, I am left with no choice but to subpoena him posthumously," said Starr, who has accused Johnson of conducting a longtime affair with Alice Glass, the girlfriend of Texas newspaper publisher Charles Marsh. Johnson may be called to testify as early as next Monday, when exhumed president Warren Harding is expected to complete his deposition regarding an alleged 15-year extramarital affair with Carrie Phillips and subsequent attempts to bribe the Phillips family to keep the relationship a secret. Among other presidents whose corpses Starr has ordered dug up for questioning regarding sexual misconduct: John Kennedy, Franklin Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, Grover Cleveland, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson and Thomas Jefferson.

Our Street Gangs Are Probably Using Bad Language

While recently wandering the rotting underbelly of my favorite local urban wasteland at 3 a.m., I was accosted by a roughneck gang of thugs who demanded my wallet. With a grandfatherly sense of duty, I handed it over to them; then they clonked me over the noggin and ran off.

Star Wars 4 Is On The Way!

Item! Hold onto your hats, everyone, because this is the Big One. From one of my better sources, who must obviously remain nameless, I've learned that there is going to be another Star Wars movie! Plot details about Star Wars 4 are extremely sketchy, but from what I understand, Luke and Laura have to find a magic potion that was hidden by Boba Fett, Darth Vader's son-in-law, in order to save their home planet from space drug dealers. It's good to know that Steven Spielberg still has the magic touch. Stay tuned for more info. And may The Force be with you and your loved ones!

The New Eunuch Is Not Working Out

It was my birth-day recently, and the customary deluge of gifts flooded the Estate. I was wheeled into my private amusement annex so that I could watch the unwrapping of my presents. As usual, I was given needless rubbish and picayune baubles that serve me no purpose. I received what must have been my 659th mechanical nightingale from whomever is the Emperor of Siam now-a-days, when what I truly desired was a new shawl and a visit from the Grim Reaper. I directed Standish to cast the nightingale into the furnace and bury the rest of the unopened loot in the court-yard.
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Area Stylist Would Love To Do Julia Roberts' Hair

BURWELL, NE–Local hair stylist Pam Nowicki would love to do Julia Roberts' hair, Nowicki announced Monday at the Mane Attraction Beauty Salon in downtown Burwell.

Hair stylist Pam Nowicki, who says she could "work wonders" with Julia Roberts' hair.

"Julia Roberts is so gorgeous," the 41-year-old certified cosmetologist said. "I would just die to get my hands on that luscious hair of hers."

Nowicki, who has the second-longest tenure at Mane Attraction behind owner and head stylist Janet Hunter, said she would likely take three or four inches off Roberts' hair and layer the back.

"Whoever's doing Julia's hair now just isn't making the most of her facial features," Nowicki said. "She's got those incredible almond-shaped eyes and high cheekbones, but her hairstyle isn't accentuating them nearly as much as it could."

Added Nowicki: "Pretty Woman is my all-time favorite movie. I've seen it, like, 200 times."

A lifelong resident of Burwell, Nowicki has been a stylist for 17 years, spending three years at Shear Magic on Holcomb Avenue and four at Hair & Now in the Burwell Plaza strip mall before arriving at her current position in 1989.

"Personally, I think she looked best in My Best Friend's Wedding," said Nowicki, whose seniority enables her to get first crack at the perm and tinting appointments, leaving most of the low-tip-yielding $7.99 cut-and-style jobs for the newer stylists. "For that movie, they did her hair with a chestnut tint, which is perfect for an autumn like Julia. In all honesty, though, I probably would have dyed her hair even a few shades redder."

"I think I could really do wonders with Julia's hair," said Nowicki, sifting through a plastic, teal-and-pink caddy of combs, scissors and butterfly clips. "Somehow, I've just got this knack for making people look their best."

While Roberts is Nowicki's favorite Hollywood star, she is not the only actress whose hair Nowicki would love to do. During her 10 years at Mane Attraction, Nowicki has expressed a desire to style the hair of such leading ladies as Meg Ryan, Melanie Griffith and Sandra Bullock.

"I saw Sandra on Access Hollywood last night, and it looked like she was definitely due for a shape-up," Nowicki said. "Or, at the very least, a little off the ends."

"It would be so much fun to work with a big star," said Nowicki, who makes $6.50 an hour, plus tips. "Not that I don't appreciate my customers here at The Mane."

Julia Roberts

One such regular customer, Burwell resident Mary Klapisch, is well aware of Nowicki's talents. "Pam is really up on the latest styles–she gets tons of magazines, including People, Glamour and Cosmopolitan, and she never misses Entertainment Tonight," Klapisch said. "She said that with my facial shape, she could make me look just like Celine Dion."

Among Nowicki's higher-profile clientele are such Burwell luminaries as city-council member Teresa Bonner, PTA president Maggie Kittridge, and Burwell Post-Dispatch bookkeeper Annette Pedersen.

Though she has yet to achieve her dream of cutting the hair of a Hollywood star, Nowicki recently had the chance to work with an actual television personality.

"Two weeks ago, Katie Oberman, the news anchor for [NBC affiliate] KTNE over in Lincoln, was passing through town and got a haircut from me," Nowicki said. "It was such an amazing experience, getting the opportunity to actually do a hairstyle for the camera. I watched her the next night on the news, and she looked fantastic."

"I always thought it would've been fun to go to Hollywood and get a job as a stylist for the movies, but Dan never would have gone for that. And now, with the three kids and all, forget it," said Nowicki, bending over to sweep clumps of hair into a dust pan. "Oh, well. I'll bet it's really muggy there in the summer, anyway."

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