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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Teen Quickly Running Out Of Chances To Be First Openly Gay Anything

Alex Zaragoza, who can no longer become the first openly gay WWE wrestler.
Alex Zaragoza, who can no longer become the first openly gay WWE wrestler.

PEORIA, IL—Citing the increased visibility of gay athletes, politicians, and officials, area teen and homosexual Alex Zaragoza, 15, told reporters today that he is worried about running out of opportunities to become the first openly gay member of any professional field or social group.

Zaragoza expressed anxiety over the fact that the possibility of personally breaking down barriers for homosexuals in any given field is rapidly dwindling as more and more people become the first member of their profession to live as openly gay. Zaragoza told reporters that if he wants to one day become the first out homosexual member of any given occupation then he better “act fast.”

“By the time I’m an adult, all the good stuff will be taken,” said the 15-year-old, who went on to note that the historic contributions made by San Francisco politician Harvey Milk, NBA player Jason Collins, and talk show host and television star Ellen DeGeneres have already broken ground in most areas of public life where homosexuals can hope to make a revolutionary impact. “Athlete’s off the table. Senator’s off the table. Singer was taken a long time ago. What’s left? First openly gay male boxer?”

“Fuck,” he added, looking at his web browser. “Already taken. Orlando fucking Cruz.”

Noting that “president’s still an option, but by the time [he’s] 35, who the hell knows,” Zaragoza said that for ambitious young homosexuals like himself, the margin for making the history books is narrowing by the day. According to the 15-year-old, by the time he’s graduating college, every sector of public life will probably be transformed by a brave homosexual’s decision to live openly, “and then it’s game over.”

“At this point I’ve narrowed my options down to foosball player, driving instructor, and actuary,” Zaragoza said, explaining that he was shocked to find that most Google searches beginning with the words “first openly gay” already have an occupation attached to them. “Openly gay alderman, CFO, actor, board member on West Point’s board of visitors. All of them filled. Seriously, almost any job you can imagine has been taken by the pioneering efforts of some bold, self-sacrificing gay man or woman who came out and changed the status quo.”

“It’s actually pretty goddamn frustrating,” he continued. “I can’t even be the first openly gay man to summit mount Everest. Thanks, Cason Crane.”

Zaragoza told reporters that he had hoped to become the first openly gay primetime news anchor but then “Rachel Maddow snatched that one up.” He also had his sights set on being the first openly gay male country singer, president of the Directors Guild of America, and in a fit of desperation, the first openly gay international cricketer. All barriers, he said, that have now been shattered by one person or another.

Wondering if it’s too much to ask, Zaragoza said that all he really wants to do is pioneer acceptance for homosexuality in a relatively notable field.

“I feel like I was born too late. Christ, even if I moved to Iceland and wanted to be the first openly gay prime minister there, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir would say, ‘Sorry, Alex, I broke down those boundaries four years ago and already served as an inspiration to millions,’” he said, adding that “I want to be an inspiration to millions.” “And just when you thought the first gay U.S. Marshal might be a possibility, fucking Sharon Lubinski swoops in.”

“What’s left, for God’s sake?” he continued. “First openly gay plumber? Would that even be a big deal?”

At press time, North Carolina plumber Tom Fletcher had just come out to his coworkers.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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