Area Teen Quickly Running Out Of Chances To Be First Openly Gay Anything

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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Area Teen Quickly Running Out Of Chances To Be First Openly Gay Anything

Alex Zaragoza, who can no longer become the first openly gay WWE wrestler.
Alex Zaragoza, who can no longer become the first openly gay WWE wrestler.

PEORIA, IL—Citing the increased visibility of gay athletes, politicians, and officials, area teen and homosexual Alex Zaragoza, 15, told reporters today that he is worried about running out of opportunities to become the first openly gay member of any professional field or social group.

Zaragoza expressed anxiety over the fact that the possibility of personally breaking down barriers for homosexuals in any given field is rapidly dwindling as more and more people become the first member of their profession to live as openly gay. Zaragoza told reporters that if he wants to one day become the first out homosexual member of any given occupation then he better “act fast.”

“By the time I’m an adult, all the good stuff will be taken,” said the 15-year-old, who went on to note that the historic contributions made by San Francisco politician Harvey Milk, NBA player Jason Collins, and talk show host and television star Ellen DeGeneres have already broken ground in most areas of public life where homosexuals can hope to make a revolutionary impact. “Athlete’s off the table. Senator’s off the table. Singer was taken a long time ago. What’s left? First openly gay male boxer?”

“Fuck,” he added, looking at his web browser. “Already taken. Orlando fucking Cruz.”

Noting that “president’s still an option, but by the time [he’s] 35, who the hell knows,” Zaragoza said that for ambitious young homosexuals like himself, the margin for making the history books is narrowing by the day. According to the 15-year-old, by the time he’s graduating college, every sector of public life will probably be transformed by a brave homosexual’s decision to live openly, “and then it’s game over.”

“At this point I’ve narrowed my options down to foosball player, driving instructor, and actuary,” Zaragoza said, explaining that he was shocked to find that most Google searches beginning with the words “first openly gay” already have an occupation attached to them. “Openly gay alderman, CFO, actor, board member on West Point’s board of visitors. All of them filled. Seriously, almost any job you can imagine has been taken by the pioneering efforts of some bold, self-sacrificing gay man or woman who came out and changed the status quo.”

“It’s actually pretty goddamn frustrating,” he continued. “I can’t even be the first openly gay man to summit mount Everest. Thanks, Cason Crane.”

Zaragoza told reporters that he had hoped to become the first openly gay primetime news anchor but then “Rachel Maddow snatched that one up.” He also had his sights set on being the first openly gay male country singer, president of the Directors Guild of America, and in a fit of desperation, the first openly gay international cricketer. All barriers, he said, that have now been shattered by one person or another.

Wondering if it’s too much to ask, Zaragoza said that all he really wants to do is pioneer acceptance for homosexuality in a relatively notable field.

“I feel like I was born too late. Christ, even if I moved to Iceland and wanted to be the first openly gay prime minister there, Jóhanna Sigurðardóttir would say, ‘Sorry, Alex, I broke down those boundaries four years ago and already served as an inspiration to millions,’” he said, adding that “I want to be an inspiration to millions.” “And just when you thought the first gay U.S. Marshal might be a possibility, fucking Sharon Lubinski swoops in.”

“What’s left, for God’s sake?” he continued. “First openly gay plumber? Would that even be a big deal?”

At press time, North Carolina plumber Tom Fletcher had just come out to his coworkers.


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