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Area Teen Up To Something

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Teen Up To Something

GREENFIELD, OH—A local teenager, standing on the corner of Spring Street and Dunlap Lane, is clearly up to some kind of no good, neighborhood sources reported Thursday.

Neighbors are keeping close watch on the teen, who has an unsettling number of pockets.

The teenager, spotted by Greenfield residents at approximately 4:36 p.m., has been described as tall, suspiciously quiet, and almost certainly looking for trouble. According to concerned sources, the teenager has absolutely no business being out there like that.

"Just look at him," said Bob Page, one of several men and women currently watching the 14-year-old from their living room window. "That boy's definitely up to something."

Signs that the teenager may be up to no good have so far included his hunched over posture, the way he keeps looking around with his eyes, and the fact that he probably owns a number of those violent video games.

Residents told reporters that they are especially troubled by the teenager's hooded sweatshirt, which he is wearing with the hood drawn, despite it not even raining outside.

"I don't like how I can't see his face," said homemaker Ellen Campbell, who attributed the teen's erratic behavior to the lack of positive role models in today's music industry. "He'd show his face if he weren't thinking of doing something wrong. I bet he's thinking of doing something wrong right now."

Based on his outward appearance, many are worried that the teenager is one of those youths who were recently caught drinking in the woods behind the recycling center.

According to residents, what the teenager will do next remains their chief concern. Though he is not currently in possession of a shopping cart, residents believe that he may in fact steal one from the nearby Stop & Shop, simply for the sake of inconveniencing others. Some have even speculated that the teenager may be planning to burn dead leaves later this afternoon, possibly with the cigarette lighter to which he no doubt has access.

Whatever unlawful acts he may be planning, locals are convinced it will include some sort of profanity, whether spoken, written, or a combination of both.

"He's probably waiting for one of his friends to arrive," said Howard Silverman, who pretended to check on his mailbox four separate times in order to get a better look at the teen. "Once that happens, they'll come up with something really terrible to do together."

Added Silverman, "The songs they listen to make them angry."

Fears among residents increased minutes later when several onlookers noticed that the teenager's hands had entered his pockets. Among the items believed to be inside his pockets were spray cans, spoiled eggs, and probably one of those miniature stereos that all the young people own.

The teenager then removed a cell phone from his pocket, viewed its screen—which sources believe contained a nude picture of another teenager—and placed it back in his pocket.

"What's he hiding?" homeowner Ron Kirkland asked. "One thing I know for sure: He's going to regret whatever it is he's about to do when he's older."

In a recent poll, 56 percent of residents claimed that the teenager is selling drugs, while 34 percent said he is buying drugs. The remaining 10 percent believe that he is currently on drugs.

Ninety-eight percent of those polled wished the teen would just go away.

"Maybe someone should call the police," said neighbor Patricia Meyer, who instead opted to stare out her window with an even more disapproving look. "I just hope something doesn't get robbed."

At press time, the teen adjusted his hood to reveal a giant piercing in his left earlobe.

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