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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Teen's Sister Looking Pretty Good To Friend Of Area Teen

SAN MATEO, CA–San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos announced Monday that Jessica Roth, 14, the previously unnoticed sister of best friend Andrew Roth, had "really grown a lot" since he last saw her and was now "looking pretty good."

San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos, who recently announced that his best friend's sister, Jessica Roth (inset), is "looking pretty good."

"I used to see Jessica a lot when I went over to Andrew's house, and I was always like, whatever," Campos said. "But I hadn't seen her in awhile, since she was at music camp all summer, and she's really, you know, grown up a lot. I'd have to say she's definitely looking good."

"Oh, man," Campos added, "I used to see her running around without a shirt when she was like seven. That is so freaky."

Andrew Roth, who has been best friends with Campos since the two were in second grade, was "seriously weirded out" by the announcement.

"Evan came by Sunday night to play some Tekken, and my sister was in her room in her pajamas, doing homework or something. Her door was open, and he was, like, totally checking her out," Roth said. "Then, like an hour later, when I went to take a piss break, he went over and tried to start up a conversation with her, asking her what she was studying and shit. I was like, 'Dude, what the fuck's up with you? That's my sister!'"

Roth, who has declared his sister strictly off-limits to Campos, said he would not hesitate to beat the shit out of his best friend if he tried anything. Campos has assured Roth that he has no intentions of making a play for his sister, telling him, "Dude, relax."

When asked for comment, Jessica Roth ran into her room giggling.

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