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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Teen's Sister Looking Pretty Good To Friend Of Area Teen

SAN MATEO, CA–San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos announced Monday that Jessica Roth, 14, the previously unnoticed sister of best friend Andrew Roth, had "really grown a lot" since he last saw her and was now "looking pretty good."

San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos, who recently announced that his best friend's sister, Jessica Roth (inset), is "looking pretty good."

"I used to see Jessica a lot when I went over to Andrew's house, and I was always like, whatever," Campos said. "But I hadn't seen her in awhile, since she was at music camp all summer, and she's really, you know, grown up a lot. I'd have to say she's definitely looking good."

"Oh, man," Campos added, "I used to see her running around without a shirt when she was like seven. That is so freaky."

Andrew Roth, who has been best friends with Campos since the two were in second grade, was "seriously weirded out" by the announcement.

"Evan came by Sunday night to play some Tekken, and my sister was in her room in her pajamas, doing homework or something. Her door was open, and he was, like, totally checking her out," Roth said. "Then, like an hour later, when I went to take a piss break, he went over and tried to start up a conversation with her, asking her what she was studying and shit. I was like, 'Dude, what the fuck's up with you? That's my sister!'"

Roth, who has declared his sister strictly off-limits to Campos, said he would not hesitate to beat the shit out of his best friend if he tried anything. Campos has assured Roth that he has no intentions of making a play for his sister, telling him, "Dude, relax."

When asked for comment, Jessica Roth ran into her room giggling.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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