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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Teen's Sister Looking Pretty Good To Friend Of Area Teen

SAN MATEO, CA–San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos announced Monday that Jessica Roth, 14, the previously unnoticed sister of best friend Andrew Roth, had "really grown a lot" since he last saw her and was now "looking pretty good."

San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos, who recently announced that his best friend's sister, Jessica Roth (inset), is "looking pretty good."

"I used to see Jessica a lot when I went over to Andrew's house, and I was always like, whatever," Campos said. "But I hadn't seen her in awhile, since she was at music camp all summer, and she's really, you know, grown up a lot. I'd have to say she's definitely looking good."

"Oh, man," Campos added, "I used to see her running around without a shirt when she was like seven. That is so freaky."

Andrew Roth, who has been best friends with Campos since the two were in second grade, was "seriously weirded out" by the announcement.

"Evan came by Sunday night to play some Tekken, and my sister was in her room in her pajamas, doing homework or something. Her door was open, and he was, like, totally checking her out," Roth said. "Then, like an hour later, when I went to take a piss break, he went over and tried to start up a conversation with her, asking her what she was studying and shit. I was like, 'Dude, what the fuck's up with you? That's my sister!'"

Roth, who has declared his sister strictly off-limits to Campos, said he would not hesitate to beat the shit out of his best friend if he tried anything. Campos has assured Roth that he has no intentions of making a play for his sister, telling him, "Dude, relax."

When asked for comment, Jessica Roth ran into her room giggling.

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