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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Teen's Sister Looking Pretty Good To Friend Of Area Teen

SAN MATEO, CA–San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos announced Monday that Jessica Roth, 14, the previously unnoticed sister of best friend Andrew Roth, had "really grown a lot" since he last saw her and was now "looking pretty good."

San Mateo 17-year-old Evan Campos, who recently announced that his best friend's sister, Jessica Roth (inset), is "looking pretty good."

"I used to see Jessica a lot when I went over to Andrew's house, and I was always like, whatever," Campos said. "But I hadn't seen her in awhile, since she was at music camp all summer, and she's really, you know, grown up a lot. I'd have to say she's definitely looking good."

"Oh, man," Campos added, "I used to see her running around without a shirt when she was like seven. That is so freaky."

Andrew Roth, who has been best friends with Campos since the two were in second grade, was "seriously weirded out" by the announcement.

"Evan came by Sunday night to play some Tekken, and my sister was in her room in her pajamas, doing homework or something. Her door was open, and he was, like, totally checking her out," Roth said. "Then, like an hour later, when I went to take a piss break, he went over and tried to start up a conversation with her, asking her what she was studying and shit. I was like, 'Dude, what the fuck's up with you? That's my sister!'"

Roth, who has declared his sister strictly off-limits to Campos, said he would not hesitate to beat the shit out of his best friend if he tried anything. Campos has assured Roth that he has no intentions of making a play for his sister, telling him, "Dude, relax."

When asked for comment, Jessica Roth ran into her room giggling.

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