adBlockCheck

Area Teens Wed, Horrible Life Awaits Pair

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Teens Wed, Horrible Life Awaits Pair

Kyle Leske and Tracy Esterzycek were married on Saturday. According to basic historical and socioeconomic indicators, a miserable existence and slow, painful climb toward death awaits them.
Kyle Leske and Tracy Esterzycek were married on Saturday. According to basic historical and socioeconomic indicators, a miserable existence and slow, painful climb toward death awaits them.

It was a festive, caring time in the Leske family’s normally dysfunctional household. The invitations had been sent out, the minister had been paid, the formal wear and limo had been rented, and the bar at the Eagles’ Lodge was fully stocked with inexpensive, low-quality booze.

The faces of gathered relatives and well-wishers seemed aglow with a palpable sense of hope and excitement for the future. Saturday, Kyle W. Leske and his high-school sweetheart Tracy Esterzycek, both 18, of Pelmacher Memorial High School in Grove Prairie, were legally joined in sacred matrimony at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church in neighboring Blano. Everywhere there was a feeling of joyous celebration, all of which was oddly inappropriate, considering that the occasion heralds the start of a miserable and desperately unhappy life for the young couple.

“I love Tracy more than anything in the whole, wide world—even my wheels,” says Leske, beaming from ear to ear with a slavering, slack-jawed dullard’s grin. Visibly undisturbed by any real grasp of the horror of his situation, he joked with his “groom’s party”—a group of fellow auto enthusiasts from his third-hour machine shop class—about his luck at finding such a “babe-licious” bride. Unaware that he and Esterzycek’s sex life will come to a complete stop within six months, Leske claims that Saturday was the happiest day of his life, even if 80-hour work weeks at minimum-wage service industry jobs will rob him of all enthusiasm for existence before he can legally enter a tavern.

The same sentiment is echoed by Esterzycek, a below-average student who hopes to one day work at a hair salon.

“Kyle, I love you, true blue, so I say I do,” she says, reciting a poem she wrote for an English class in which she received a C-minus. Speaking in an arithmetic, monosyllabic, uneducated drone, she maintains her pie-in-the-sky fantasies of future family bliss with Leske in total disregard of her own vast lack of competence or skills in essentially any area. Desperate to procreate, not only from misplaced attempts at achieving adulthood, but also in a pathetic bid to preempt potential loneliness, she seems unmindful that her lack of maturity will result in the rearing of freakish, simian children whom she will viciously abuse, both emotionally and physically, in a vain attempt to stave off the agony of her daily life.

Family and friends also seem unable to acknowledge the couple’s horrible fate, smiling and laughing in the face of these three basic truths: Esterzycek will achieve medically dangerous obesity within three years, Leske has never read a book for enjoyment in his entire life and people do not have to remain with the first person they have sex with for the rest of their lives.

At the wedding rehearsal, they cried and hugged, deluding themselves into imagining that the upcoming ritual is something besides a mistake.

As the wedding rehearsal drew to a close, well-wishers surrounded the couple offering smiles, encouragement and approval, despite the years of uneducated, unhappy, poverty-stricken alcoholism and domestic violence which await the hapless teenage simpletons.

In fact, many of them, especially the older relatives and more devout members of Holy Christ Almighty, even privately thank God that the two teens are choosing to “do the right thing” and thoroughly truncate their development as human beings, rather than “live in sin.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close