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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Area Twentysomething Disillusioned With Disillusionment

SEATTLE—After spending the past 10 years in a deep state of disillusionment, area 27-year-old Kevin Soto announced Monday he is disillusioned with disillusionment. "For years I believed that my disillusionment with a world overrun by WalMart, Madison Avenue marketing whores, and corporate rock would keep me from drowning in all the bullshit they spoon-feed you," Soto said. "But now I just don't know."

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