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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Area Twitter User Guesses He Could Muster Up 140 More Characters About The Master Race

COLUMBUS, OH—In light of the social media platform’s announcement that it was considering doubling its character limit to 280 per tweet, local Twitter user Rory Fegler told reporters Wednesday that he guesses he could muster up 140 more characters about the master race. “Sure, if I had the room, I think I could find something more to say about the genetic superiority of whites,” said Fegler, adding that if he was being given twice as many characters, he supposed he could get in another detail or two about how he and his Aryan brethren would come to dominate inferior races. “I guess it’d be a waste not to use these extra characters, right? I mean, I can always throw on some extra hashtags like #racialpurity, #thirdreich, and #Lugenpresse, and then I could fill in whatever space is left with some alternating flame and cross emoji.” Fegler went on to say that he was willing to give the new character limits a chance as long as Twitter never tampered with his freedom to harass people of color as much as he liked.

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