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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Area Units Really Moving

GALVESTON, TX–Units are really moving at ABC Appliance Warehouse, assistant manager Ralph Hutchins reported Tuesday. "We moved about 300 units today, with almost 75 units moving between 9 and 10 a.m. alone," Hutchins said. "That's a hell of a lot of units to move off the shelves in just one day." If demand for units continues at its current pace, Hutchins said they might have to go on back-order. "We've had to limit people to one unit a piece as it is," he said.

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