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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Area White Complains About Quality Of Shower Massage Heads

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing a host of inadequacies ranging from difficulty of installation to insufficient nozzle adjustability, area white Christopher Shuler blasted the nation's shower-massage-head industry during a second-floor bathroom press conference Monday.

San Jose-area white Christopher Shuler, addressing reporters from one of his home's second-floor bathrooms.

"Many believe we have made great strides in this nation over the past several decades," said Shuler, a Caucasian associate marketing-strategy coordinator with the Palo Alto consulting firm of Coopers & Seidel. "And in many ways we have. But when it comes to the manufacture of quality shower-massage sprays, the United States bears a legacy of non-pulsating shame."

Displaying a disappointing House & Home model he recently purchased for $129, Shuler told reporters: "Contrary to the claims printed on the back of its package, the HydroRenew 2500's patented high-pressure pulse-massage system could hardly be considered 'invigorating.' In fact, in all the time I used it, I was not invigorated once."

Shuler said that the shower-massage industry has let him down in myriad other ways, most notably in its failure to offer a sufficiently wide selection of spray settings.

"Is it so unreasonable to expect a soft-yet-generous body-spray option and a concentrated full-force massage from the same product? Apparently, the people at Spray Sensations think so." Shuler then stared downward and shook his head silently for several seconds.

"When I come home after a hard day at the office, the very least I should be able to expect is a nice, six-setting shower that revives and relaxes my aching muscles," the 33-year-old white said. "And what do I get instead? A four-setting nozzle head with a so-called 'rotating, fully adjustable Flexi-Head(TM)' that barely even turns 180 degrees? It's enough to shake my faith in humanity."

Fighting back tears, Shuler concluded by attacking what he called "years of deliberate distortion and misrepresentation on the part of the shower-head industry."

"This Teledyne AquaVive 5.0 unit boasts of a kingly eight settings. Yet not only do many of the settings feel indistinguishable from one another, but one of them is 'Pause,' during which no water is sprayed at all," he said. "This is a crime against bathers everywhere."

Monday's press conference marked the first by Shuler since May 1995, when he publicly lashed out against Black & Decker for releasing a pasta maker that lacked an angel-hair option, an event known throughout the nation's white community as "The Holocaust."

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