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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Area White Complains About Quality Of Shower Massage Heads

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing a host of inadequacies ranging from difficulty of installation to insufficient nozzle adjustability, area white Christopher Shuler blasted the nation's shower-massage-head industry during a second-floor bathroom press conference Monday.

San Jose-area white Christopher Shuler, addressing reporters from one of his home's second-floor bathrooms.

"Many believe we have made great strides in this nation over the past several decades," said Shuler, a Caucasian associate marketing-strategy coordinator with the Palo Alto consulting firm of Coopers & Seidel. "And in many ways we have. But when it comes to the manufacture of quality shower-massage sprays, the United States bears a legacy of non-pulsating shame."

Displaying a disappointing House & Home model he recently purchased for $129, Shuler told reporters: "Contrary to the claims printed on the back of its package, the HydroRenew 2500's patented high-pressure pulse-massage system could hardly be considered 'invigorating.' In fact, in all the time I used it, I was not invigorated once."

Shuler said that the shower-massage industry has let him down in myriad other ways, most notably in its failure to offer a sufficiently wide selection of spray settings.

"Is it so unreasonable to expect a soft-yet-generous body-spray option and a concentrated full-force massage from the same product? Apparently, the people at Spray Sensations think so." Shuler then stared downward and shook his head silently for several seconds.

"When I come home after a hard day at the office, the very least I should be able to expect is a nice, six-setting shower that revives and relaxes my aching muscles," the 33-year-old white said. "And what do I get instead? A four-setting nozzle head with a so-called 'rotating, fully adjustable Flexi-Head(TM)' that barely even turns 180 degrees? It's enough to shake my faith in humanity."

Fighting back tears, Shuler concluded by attacking what he called "years of deliberate distortion and misrepresentation on the part of the shower-head industry."

"This Teledyne AquaVive 5.0 unit boasts of a kingly eight settings. Yet not only do many of the settings feel indistinguishable from one another, but one of them is 'Pause,' during which no water is sprayed at all," he said. "This is a crime against bathers everywhere."

Monday's press conference marked the first by Shuler since May 1995, when he publicly lashed out against Black & Decker for releasing a pasta maker that lacked an angel-hair option, an event known throughout the nation's white community as "The Holocaust."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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