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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area White Complains About Quality Of Shower Massage Heads

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing a host of inadequacies ranging from difficulty of installation to insufficient nozzle adjustability, area white Christopher Shuler blasted the nation's shower-massage-head industry during a second-floor bathroom press conference Monday.

San Jose-area white Christopher Shuler, addressing reporters from one of his home's second-floor bathrooms.

"Many believe we have made great strides in this nation over the past several decades," said Shuler, a Caucasian associate marketing-strategy coordinator with the Palo Alto consulting firm of Coopers & Seidel. "And in many ways we have. But when it comes to the manufacture of quality shower-massage sprays, the United States bears a legacy of non-pulsating shame."

Displaying a disappointing House & Home model he recently purchased for $129, Shuler told reporters: "Contrary to the claims printed on the back of its package, the HydroRenew 2500's patented high-pressure pulse-massage system could hardly be considered 'invigorating.' In fact, in all the time I used it, I was not invigorated once."

Shuler said that the shower-massage industry has let him down in myriad other ways, most notably in its failure to offer a sufficiently wide selection of spray settings.

"Is it so unreasonable to expect a soft-yet-generous body-spray option and a concentrated full-force massage from the same product? Apparently, the people at Spray Sensations think so." Shuler then stared downward and shook his head silently for several seconds.

"When I come home after a hard day at the office, the very least I should be able to expect is a nice, six-setting shower that revives and relaxes my aching muscles," the 33-year-old white said. "And what do I get instead? A four-setting nozzle head with a so-called 'rotating, fully adjustable Flexi-Head(TM)' that barely even turns 180 degrees? It's enough to shake my faith in humanity."

Fighting back tears, Shuler concluded by attacking what he called "years of deliberate distortion and misrepresentation on the part of the shower-head industry."

"This Teledyne AquaVive 5.0 unit boasts of a kingly eight settings. Yet not only do many of the settings feel indistinguishable from one another, but one of them is 'Pause,' during which no water is sprayed at all," he said. "This is a crime against bathers everywhere."

Monday's press conference marked the first by Shuler since May 1995, when he publicly lashed out against Black & Decker for releasing a pasta maker that lacked an angel-hair option, an event known throughout the nation's white community as "The Holocaust."

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