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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings

ELGIN, IL—In a strongly worded statement Monday, area husband and hard-working father of four Lloyd Heberstrom made it perfectly clear that his wife is not to mess with the equalizer settings on their SonicCo wall-unit integrated-rack-system home stereo.

The Heberstrom family stereo. Inset: Marilyn Heberstrom, who should be well aware she is not to touch a thing.

"If I've told her once, I've told her a thousand times," said a visibly irritated Heberstrom, 44, a senior account manager in the distribution department at Ree-Nu Upholstery Wholesalers in nearby Plovis. "I have carefully calibrated the settings on the stereo to optimize the unique acoustics of the living and sitting-room area of the house, painstakingly adjusting it to the proper settings to maximize the bass response and minimize distortion in the mid-range. Yet every time she dusts the cabinets, it's the same thing: I come home and find the whole dang thing completely out of whack."

"I honestly don't understand why she can't get it through her thick head not to always be messing around with stuff she doesn't understand," Heberstrom said.

Heberstrom's wife, homemaker and macrame enthusiast Marilyn Heberstrom, 42, did not deny the stereo-touching charges, but did state that her violation of the longstanding house rule was unintentional.

"I think maybe when I was dusting around the—oh, what do you call it?—the little button things on the stereo's controls, I might have disturbed them a little," the embattled Marilyn told reporters. "I didn't mean to mess it all up. I won't do it again."

"I'm sorry, honey," she added.

According to Lloyd, however, the infraction is indicative of a much larger problem, one extending well beyond the stereo settings. Over the course of their 21-year-marriage, he said, the problem has come to include virtually every area of their split-level suburban home.

"Marilyn has been told over and over that she is not to touch anything in the garage," Lloyd said. But despite his repeated warnings, Lloyd said he was "shocked and dismayed" to come home from work recently to find cardboard boxes piled atop his riding mower's Comfort-Cushion(TM) gel-reinforced leather seat, putting it at severe risk of dust-accumulation and creasing. "The riding mower is a finely tuned instrument. It is not a toy," he said.

"All I was trying to do was to get at [son] Kyle's old high-school sweaters and sweatshirts," said Marilyn, attempting to explain the incident. "They were under the Christmas decorations, so I had to move some boxes out from on top of them. Mrs. Swanson said warm clothes were needed for the church charity drive, and Kyle doesn't fit into any of those old things anyway. I didn't think it would hurt the lawn mower any if I stacked the boxes there for just one second. I'm sorry."

"I ask you, do I go into the cupboards and rearrange the pots and pans? Do I move the laundry soap from its proper place, or mess with knitting supplies in the sewing room? I most certainly do not," Lloyd said. "Is it too much to ask, then, that the speed and whisker-length settings on my new Norelco razor be left alone? That my fishing lures be kept on the proper shelves and not tossed willy-nilly to make room for somebody's figure skates? To be able to sit in my recliner and find the remote because it hasn't been transferred from its proper place on the coffee table to a virtually untraceable spot on top of the piano by some meddling busybody woman?"

"God-dammit!" he added, storming off into the basement.

Though Lloyd's lawyer said he does not feel legal action against Marilyn is necessary at this time, he did stress that the Heberstrom household's well-established, long-standing wife-behavioral policies exist for a reason and must not be taken lightly.

"Lloyd and Marilyn are only one of millions of married couples born after World War II upon whom the gender-role social reforms of the late '60s and early '70s have had no impact, leaving the antiquated gender roles of the post-war era intact," said Lloyd's longtime attorney and golf partner Jim Hart. "These social mores, passed down from one generation of men to the next, dictate that husbands exercise tyrannical control over their home environment and spouses at all times. However dated this may seem, the self-esteem of millions of American males vitally depends upon strict female compliance with these rules, as their fragile sense of order and self-worth simply cannot survive without it."

Marilyn agreed. "Oh, men," she said with a shrug, bustling off to set the table for the 6,847th time.

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