Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings

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Vol 33 Issue 07

Gated-Community Members Wish There Was Something They Could Do

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Residents of Maplewood Estates, a gated residential neighborhood in the upscale Highland Park suburb of Chicago, announced Tuesday that they wish there was something they could do. "If you look around the world today, there are so many poor people and other terrible things," said resident and bridge enthusiast Marjorie Evans. "It’s very sad." Judith Donnelly, editor of Maplewood Estate’s monthly newsletter Maple Leaves, said she is similarly upset by all the problems to be found outside her police-guarded gates. "It’s such a shame," Donnelly said. "But what can you do?"

Swiss Unable To Maintain Neutrality Toward Delicious Pastries

BERN, SWITZERLAND—The nation of Switzerland ended 183 years of neutrality Wednesday, when the Swiss Federal Assembly unanimously approved an alliance with an assortment platter of Schoenherr Brothers oven-baked pastries. "We remained neutral for as long as we could," said Swiss president Heinrich Koller, "but in light of the flaky crust and delicious fruit fillings these pastries offer, we can no longer refuse an alliance between these wholly scrumptious treats and our tummies." Under the terms the accord, the Swiss military will defend the baked goods should they be invaded.

My Last Will And Testament

I have decided to revise my last will and testament. The person to whom I previously bequeathed my entire estate, the woman with the enormous mammaries, apparently cannot be located, so I will have to designate new heirs. They are as follows:

I Be The Real Employee Of The Month

Yo yo yo yo, whassssuuup, G's. H-Dog in tha house, and you'll pardon me if I dispense with the usual formalities, but I'm out for muthafuckin' REVENGE. You see, some dirty cocksucka dared fuck with me, Tha Stone Cold Funky-Fresh Bad-Ass Of Accountz Reeceevable. I swear, before I sign out for lunch today I'm gonna Hong Kong on that sorry fool's ass. I'm gonna cut him a permanent smile wit' my Letter Opener Of Death. I'm serious. Heads will get flown.

Should The U.S. Attack Iraq?

Frustrated by Saddam Hussein's continued defiance of U.N. weapons inspectors, the U.S. is strongly considering a tactical strike against Iraq. What do you think?
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Race Relations

Area Wife Not To Mess With The Stereo Settings

ELGIN, IL—In a strongly worded statement Monday, area husband and hard-working father of four Lloyd Heberstrom made it perfectly clear that his wife is not to mess with the equalizer settings on their SonicCo wall-unit integrated-rack-system home stereo.

The Heberstrom family stereo. Inset: Marilyn Heberstrom, who should be well aware she is not to touch a thing.

"If I've told her once, I've told her a thousand times," said a visibly irritated Heberstrom, 44, a senior account manager in the distribution department at Ree-Nu Upholstery Wholesalers in nearby Plovis. "I have carefully calibrated the settings on the stereo to optimize the unique acoustics of the living and sitting-room area of the house, painstakingly adjusting it to the proper settings to maximize the bass response and minimize distortion in the mid-range. Yet every time she dusts the cabinets, it's the same thing: I come home and find the whole dang thing completely out of whack."

"I honestly don't understand why she can't get it through her thick head not to always be messing around with stuff she doesn't understand," Heberstrom said.

Heberstrom's wife, homemaker and macrame enthusiast Marilyn Heberstrom, 42, did not deny the stereo-touching charges, but did state that her violation of the longstanding house rule was unintentional.

"I think maybe when I was dusting around the—oh, what do you call it?—the little button things on the stereo's controls, I might have disturbed them a little," the embattled Marilyn told reporters. "I didn't mean to mess it all up. I won't do it again."

"I'm sorry, honey," she added.

According to Lloyd, however, the infraction is indicative of a much larger problem, one extending well beyond the stereo settings. Over the course of their 21-year-marriage, he said, the problem has come to include virtually every area of their split-level suburban home.

"Marilyn has been told over and over that she is not to touch anything in the garage," Lloyd said. But despite his repeated warnings, Lloyd said he was "shocked and dismayed" to come home from work recently to find cardboard boxes piled atop his riding mower's Comfort-Cushion(TM) gel-reinforced leather seat, putting it at severe risk of dust-accumulation and creasing. "The riding mower is a finely tuned instrument. It is not a toy," he said.

"All I was trying to do was to get at [son] Kyle's old high-school sweaters and sweatshirts," said Marilyn, attempting to explain the incident. "They were under the Christmas decorations, so I had to move some boxes out from on top of them. Mrs. Swanson said warm clothes were needed for the church charity drive, and Kyle doesn't fit into any of those old things anyway. I didn't think it would hurt the lawn mower any if I stacked the boxes there for just one second. I'm sorry."

"I ask you, do I go into the cupboards and rearrange the pots and pans? Do I move the laundry soap from its proper place, or mess with knitting supplies in the sewing room? I most certainly do not," Lloyd said. "Is it too much to ask, then, that the speed and whisker-length settings on my new Norelco razor be left alone? That my fishing lures be kept on the proper shelves and not tossed willy-nilly to make room for somebody's figure skates? To be able to sit in my recliner and find the remote because it hasn't been transferred from its proper place on the coffee table to a virtually untraceable spot on top of the piano by some meddling busybody woman?"

"God-dammit!" he added, storming off into the basement.

Though Lloyd's lawyer said he does not feel legal action against Marilyn is necessary at this time, he did stress that the Heberstrom household's well-established, long-standing wife-behavioral policies exist for a reason and must not be taken lightly.

"Lloyd and Marilyn are only one of millions of married couples born after World War II upon whom the gender-role social reforms of the late '60s and early '70s have had no impact, leaving the antiquated gender roles of the post-war era intact," said Lloyd's longtime attorney and golf partner Jim Hart. "These social mores, passed down from one generation of men to the next, dictate that husbands exercise tyrannical control over their home environment and spouses at all times. However dated this may seem, the self-esteem of millions of American males vitally depends upon strict female compliance with these rules, as their fragile sense of order and self-worth simply cannot survive without it."

Marilyn agreed. "Oh, men," she said with a shrug, bustling off to set the table for the 6,847th time.

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