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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Woman Almost Imagines Taste Of Peppermint Mocha On Tongue But Stops Herself

‘Patience, Patience—Soon, My Love’

WALTHAM, MA—Her senses bewitched by the intoxicating memory of peppermint-flavored syrup, local woman Kate Nothern saved herself from the bitterest of agonies Friday morning when, regaining control of her faculties in the nick of time, she stopped herself from imagining the taste of a peppermint mocha on her tongue. “Have patience, my love, lest your mind be tormented by a phantom ambrosia of yuletide spices and caffeine,” the monk-like woman told herself, banishing all thoughts of steamed milk and sweetened cream until the precious elixir would come to Starbucks next week. “Were I to taste but a drop of peppermint and espresso, surely my mind would waste in torment for want of sweet minted delights. The time is nigh, but alas, not yet shall I allow my tongue to seek out the sensual pleasures of winter.” At press time, Nothern had reportedly caused herself further pain by remembering that the entrancing blend of earthly delights would be four fucking dollars.

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