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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Woman Almost Imagines Taste Of Peppermint Mocha On Tongue But Stops Herself

‘Patience, Patience—Soon, My Love’

WALTHAM, MA—Her senses bewitched by the intoxicating memory of peppermint-flavored syrup, local woman Kate Nothern saved herself from the bitterest of agonies Friday morning when, regaining control of her faculties in the nick of time, she stopped herself from imagining the taste of a peppermint mocha on her tongue. “Have patience, my love, lest your mind be tormented by a phantom ambrosia of yuletide spices and caffeine,” the monk-like woman told herself, banishing all thoughts of steamed milk and sweetened cream until the precious elixir would come to Starbucks next week. “Were I to taste but a drop of peppermint and espresso, surely my mind would waste in torment for want of sweet minted delights. The time is nigh, but alas, not yet shall I allow my tongue to seek out the sensual pleasures of winter.” At press time, Nothern had reportedly caused herself further pain by remembering that the entrancing blend of earthly delights would be four fucking dollars.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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