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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Woman Almost Imagines Taste Of Peppermint Mocha On Tongue But Stops Herself

‘Patience, Patience—Soon, My Love’

WALTHAM, MA—Her senses bewitched by the intoxicating memory of peppermint-flavored syrup, local woman Kate Nothern saved herself from the bitterest of agonies Friday morning when, regaining control of her faculties in the nick of time, she stopped herself from imagining the taste of a peppermint mocha on her tongue. “Have patience, my love, lest your mind be tormented by a phantom ambrosia of yuletide spices and caffeine,” the monk-like woman told herself, banishing all thoughts of steamed milk and sweetened cream until the precious elixir would come to Starbucks next week. “Were I to taste but a drop of peppermint and espresso, surely my mind would waste in torment for want of sweet minted delights. The time is nigh, but alas, not yet shall I allow my tongue to seek out the sensual pleasures of winter.” At press time, Nothern had reportedly caused herself further pain by remembering that the entrancing blend of earthly delights would be four fucking dollars.

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