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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Area Woman Always Has Backup Problem Just In Case

DAYTON, OH—Local woman Jessica Hartley, 26, confirmed Tuesday that she always has a backup problem handy just in case her initial predicament is resolved or no longer relevant. "Whether it's fretting about my career or the mess in my kitchen, I hate being caught off guard without anything to worry about," Hartley said. "It's good to have a spare problem in your back pocket. I'll probably never use it, but it's comforting to know it's there." Hartley, who is currently apprehensive about paying off a credit card bill, said a misshapen mole on her arm that might be skin cancer should be a good secondary source of stress.

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