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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Area Woman Always Has Backup Problem Just In Case

DAYTON, OH—Local woman Jessica Hartley, 26, confirmed Tuesday that she always has a backup problem handy just in case her initial predicament is resolved or no longer relevant. "Whether it's fretting about my career or the mess in my kitchen, I hate being caught off guard without anything to worry about," Hartley said. "It's good to have a spare problem in your back pocket. I'll probably never use it, but it's comforting to know it's there." Hartley, who is currently apprehensive about paying off a credit card bill, said a misshapen mole on her arm that might be skin cancer should be a good secondary source of stress.

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