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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Woman Can't Understand Concept of Suggested Donation

NEW YORK–During a Tuesday visit to the American Museum of Natural History, Omaha resident Mary Stefano, 49, struggled to understand the concept of suggested donation. "So, if the sign says $10 is the suggested donation, that means I have to pay $10, right?" Stefano asked the admission-counter cashier. "Because, if you could pay less, why wouldn't everyone pay less?" After the cashier explained that $10 is what most adults pay, but museum visitors have the option of paying more or less depending on their ability, Stefano replied, "But if I don't pay $10, I won't get to see the whole museum, right?" After another 10 minutes of queries, Stefano was escorted out of the museum by security.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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