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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Area Woman Decides Not To Post Facebook Status That Would Have Tipped Gun Control Debate

AURORA, IL—The contentious debate on gun control will continue unresolved after local woman Theresa Delacroix opted Friday not to post an anti-gun message on Facebook, an opinion experts agreed would have tipped the scales toward a sweeping overhaul of the nation’s firearm laws. “There’s already so much chatter about the gun issue floating around on the Internet, I really didn’t see the point of throwing my two cents into the mix,” said Delacroix, 29, whose unposted status update “No more Newtowns—the time has come for action” would have completely swayed the tide of public opinion, pushing the government to end the gun-show loophole and adopt a permanent ban on assault weapons. “Some of my friends are pro-gun, and I didn’t want to stir things up. Besides, it probably wouldn’t have done much good anyway.” Had Delacroix voiced her opinion, experts said it could have been as powerful as an Atlanta man’s 2007 decision to affix a “U.S. Out of Iraq Now!” bumper sticker to his car, a move that set off a chain of events culminating in the military's withdrawal of all combat troops from the war zone.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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