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Area Woman Decides Not To Post Facebook Status That Would Have Tipped Gun Control Debate

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

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OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

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CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

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Area Woman Decides Not To Post Facebook Status That Would Have Tipped Gun Control Debate

AURORA, IL—The contentious debate on gun control will continue unresolved after local woman Theresa Delacroix opted Friday not to post an anti-gun message on Facebook, an opinion experts agreed would have tipped the scales toward a sweeping overhaul of the nation’s firearm laws. “There’s already so much chatter about the gun issue floating around on the Internet, I really didn’t see the point of throwing my two cents into the mix,” said Delacroix, 29, whose unposted status update “No more Newtowns—the time has come for action” would have completely swayed the tide of public opinion, pushing the government to end the gun-show loophole and adopt a permanent ban on assault weapons. “Some of my friends are pro-gun, and I didn’t want to stir things up. Besides, it probably wouldn’t have done much good anyway.” Had Delacroix voiced her opinion, experts said it could have been as powerful as an Atlanta man’s 2007 decision to affix a “U.S. Out of Iraq Now!” bumper sticker to his car, a move that set off a chain of events culminating in the military's withdrawal of all combat troops from the war zone.

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