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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Woman Didn't Say That; You Said That

NUTLEY, NJ–Area resident Megan McNally unequivocally stated Monday that she "never, ever, not even once" said that she hates your old college friend Jason Wheeler, asserting that it was you who said she hates him. "I merely asked if Jason was still planning to crash on our brand-new couch and eat all our food for a couple of days while he's in town," McNally said. "Then you asked me why I don't like him." McNally said she cannot say whether or not she likes Wheeler because she simply doesn't know him well enough, because whenever he visits, she hardly sees him, since the two of you spend the entire time at the bars.

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