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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Area Woman Didn't Say That; You Said That

NUTLEY, NJ–Area resident Megan McNally unequivocally stated Monday that she "never, ever, not even once" said that she hates your old college friend Jason Wheeler, asserting that it was you who said she hates him. "I merely asked if Jason was still planning to crash on our brand-new couch and eat all our food for a couple of days while he's in town," McNally said. "Then you asked me why I don't like him." McNally said she cannot say whether or not she likes Wheeler because she simply doesn't know him well enough, because whenever he visits, she hardly sees him, since the two of you spend the entire time at the bars.

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