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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Woman Didn't Say That; You Said That

NUTLEY, NJ–Area resident Megan McNally unequivocally stated Monday that she "never, ever, not even once" said that she hates your old college friend Jason Wheeler, asserting that it was you who said she hates him. "I merely asked if Jason was still planning to crash on our brand-new couch and eat all our food for a couple of days while he's in town," McNally said. "Then you asked me why I don't like him." McNally said she cannot say whether or not she likes Wheeler because she simply doesn't know him well enough, because whenever he visits, she hardly sees him, since the two of you spend the entire time at the bars.

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