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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-week anniversary. "I just can't believe he would do this to me on our 15th," said Brunhoff, confirming she was stunned by Pond’s utter lack of sensitivity. "Today of all days? We’ve been together week after week, we make it to the 15 mark, and now he does it? I should have known something was up when our 14th came and went without so much as a card or flowers." Reached for comment, Pond told reporters he had already been patient enough in delaying the breakup until after the couple’s 100-day anniversary.

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