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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place

Lazar says she knew she'd made the right choice the moment she desperately called five different friends her first night in her new apartment.
Lazar says she knew she'd made the right choice the moment she desperately called five different friends her first night in her new apartment.

SOMERVILLE, MA—After living with roommates for the better part of a decade, local woman Anne Lazar announced Tuesday she was excited to finally experience the overwhelming loneliness of having her own apartment.

Lazar, 31, said that while she had few serious complaints about the people with whom she had shared housing over the years, there was simply no substitute for the unrelenting sense of isolation that only a private space can provide.

"I couldn't be more thrilled," said Lazar, who moved into her new single-bedroom apartment three days ago. "There comes a point when you're ready to move on and feel utterly cut off from society, and you just can't get that without a living room of your own. Now I'll have the couch all to myself and can watch Parks and Recreation with only my solitary, slightly forced laughter echoing off the walls. You can't beat that."

"Sure, I'm spending a little more on rent," Lazar added. "But what I'll be repaid in those moments of desperately wishing a friend would call or e-mail or do pretty much anything to momentarily take me out of my own head will be priceless."

While Lazar acknowledged her new living situation would likely take some adjustment, she told reporters it wouldn't be long before she'd be happily lying awake at night wishing she at least had a pet to keep her company.

"I'll probably feel little or no dread at all during these first few weeks," Lazar said. "I might ask myself if this was such a good idea and if I'll ever grow morbidly starved for companionship. But if I stick with it, I know it'll only be a matter of time before I can't even iron a blouse without a podcast playing in the background just so I can hear the sound of other human beings interacting."

"Honestly, I can't believe I waited so long to do this," Lazar added. "Even the best roommates in the world can't match the eerie feeling that comes from sitting in your own place and wondering how long it would take for anyone to find your body if you had a heart attack and dropped dead."

At press time, Lazar confirmed that she was settling in better than expected and that there was nothing quite like suddenly bursting into tears at a kitchen table with only one place setting.

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