adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place

Lazar says she knew she'd made the right choice the moment she desperately called five different friends her first night in her new apartment.
Lazar says she knew she'd made the right choice the moment she desperately called five different friends her first night in her new apartment.

SOMERVILLE, MA—After living with roommates for the better part of a decade, local woman Anne Lazar announced Tuesday she was excited to finally experience the overwhelming loneliness of having her own apartment.

Lazar, 31, said that while she had few serious complaints about the people with whom she had shared housing over the years, there was simply no substitute for the unrelenting sense of isolation that only a private space can provide.

"I couldn't be more thrilled," said Lazar, who moved into her new single-bedroom apartment three days ago. "There comes a point when you're ready to move on and feel utterly cut off from society, and you just can't get that without a living room of your own. Now I'll have the couch all to myself and can watch Parks and Recreation with only my solitary, slightly forced laughter echoing off the walls. You can't beat that."

"Sure, I'm spending a little more on rent," Lazar added. "But what I'll be repaid in those moments of desperately wishing a friend would call or e-mail or do pretty much anything to momentarily take me out of my own head will be priceless."

While Lazar acknowledged her new living situation would likely take some adjustment, she told reporters it wouldn't be long before she'd be happily lying awake at night wishing she at least had a pet to keep her company.

"I'll probably feel little or no dread at all during these first few weeks," Lazar said. "I might ask myself if this was such a good idea and if I'll ever grow morbidly starved for companionship. But if I stick with it, I know it'll only be a matter of time before I can't even iron a blouse without a podcast playing in the background just so I can hear the sound of other human beings interacting."

"Honestly, I can't believe I waited so long to do this," Lazar added. "Even the best roommates in the world can't match the eerie feeling that comes from sitting in your own place and wondering how long it would take for anyone to find your body if you had a heart attack and dropped dead."

At press time, Lazar confirmed that she was settling in better than expected and that there was nothing quite like suddenly bursting into tears at a kitchen table with only one place setting.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close