adBlockCheck

Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place

Top Headlines

Local

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.

Man Approaches Unfamiliar Shower Knobs Like He Breaking Wild Stallion

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Approaching the strange bathing controls with caution before gingerly laying both hands upon them, 37-year-old Matthew Dolan took on a pair of unfamiliar shower knobs while visiting an old college friend’s home Thursday like he was breaking an untamed stallion of the wild West, sources reported.

Wedding Photographer Keeps Calling Bride’s Parents ‘Mom’ And ‘Dad’

CHARLOTTE, NC—Despite having just met the middle-aged couple earlier that afternoon, local wedding photographer Bob Dennison kept referring to the bride’s parents as “Mom” and “Dad” throughout the Lambert-Carrillo wedding Saturday, sources reported. “All right, I need Mom and Dad standing right here in front of the rosebush.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Woman Excited To Finally Experience Unbearable Loneliness Of Having Her Own Place

Lazar says she knew she'd made the right choice the moment she desperately called five different friends her first night in her new apartment.
Lazar says she knew she'd made the right choice the moment she desperately called five different friends her first night in her new apartment.

SOMERVILLE, MA—After living with roommates for the better part of a decade, local woman Anne Lazar announced Tuesday she was excited to finally experience the overwhelming loneliness of having her own apartment.

Lazar, 31, said that while she had few serious complaints about the people with whom she had shared housing over the years, there was simply no substitute for the unrelenting sense of isolation that only a private space can provide.

"I couldn't be more thrilled," said Lazar, who moved into her new single-bedroom apartment three days ago. "There comes a point when you're ready to move on and feel utterly cut off from society, and you just can't get that without a living room of your own. Now I'll have the couch all to myself and can watch Parks and Recreation with only my solitary, slightly forced laughter echoing off the walls. You can't beat that."

"Sure, I'm spending a little more on rent," Lazar added. "But what I'll be repaid in those moments of desperately wishing a friend would call or e-mail or do pretty much anything to momentarily take me out of my own head will be priceless."

While Lazar acknowledged her new living situation would likely take some adjustment, she told reporters it wouldn't be long before she'd be happily lying awake at night wishing she at least had a pet to keep her company.

"I'll probably feel little or no dread at all during these first few weeks," Lazar said. "I might ask myself if this was such a good idea and if I'll ever grow morbidly starved for companionship. But if I stick with it, I know it'll only be a matter of time before I can't even iron a blouse without a podcast playing in the background just so I can hear the sound of other human beings interacting."

"Honestly, I can't believe I waited so long to do this," Lazar added. "Even the best roommates in the world can't match the eerie feeling that comes from sitting in your own place and wondering how long it would take for anyone to find your body if you had a heart attack and dropped dead."

At press time, Lazar confirmed that she was settling in better than expected and that there was nothing quite like suddenly bursting into tears at a kitchen table with only one place setting.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close