adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Woman Fulfills Dream Of Becoming Writer By Getting Job At Bookstore

PHILADELPHIA—Aspiring novelist Sandy Bellman took the last step in her personal journey as a professional writer last week when she was hired at a west-side Barnes & Noble. "This has been a big year for me creatively, and getting this was the biggest step yet," said Bellman whose hiring, according to sources close to the 27-year-old, will almost certainly be her greatest literary achievement. "After all this time, I'm finally part of the world of books." Bellman is expected to sell her first novel, most likely Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner or James Patterson's Judge And Jury, shortly after beginning her training shift next Monday.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close