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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Woman Has Already Figured Out Who Killed The Vicar

GREENSBORO, NC—Only three chapters into the Barbara Nelson Scott mystery thriller All Saints' Day, reader Mary Toback has already deduced the killer of Father Blaine, the Vicar of St. Mary's of Glasgow, it was reported Tuesday. "The angle of the stabs was consistent with a left-handed assailant," Toback told reporters. "And if you note the description of Bishop Argyll's desk on page 22, his quills are kept to the left of the writing tablet as he faces the desk." Toback did not need to remind reporters that Argyll stands to benefit more than anyone from the appointment of MacGregor as the new Vicar.

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