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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Area Woman Has More Than 200 Products To Help Calm Her

DOWNERS GROVE, IL—Local man Karl Weist told reporters Wednesday his girlfriend Celia Page owns more than 200 products designed to serve the sole function of calming her. "Twice a week she comes home from the mall with these body creams, aromatic candles, yoga DVDs, you name it," said Weist, watching Page apply an oatmeal facial mask while simultaneously reading a memoir of one woman's life-changing journey across India. "She's got, like, 10 different kinds of soothing teas, and I've only ever seen her drink tea when she's sick." Weist added that he hasn't broached the subject with Page because she remains a seething cauldron of anger and fury.

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