Area Woman Has No Idea She Will Hate Jennifer Lawrence 7 Years From Now

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Vol 49 Issue 18

Tuesday, May 14

Author and ecologist Michael Strandley will be at the Cameron Library on Tuesday discussing his lifelong work with bears and why he thinks they’re overrated.

No One In Limo Going To Prom With The One They Wanted

INDEPENDENCE, MO—None of the six students in the white stretch limousine presently en route to Harry Truman High School’s senior prom are attending the event with the person they wanted to be their date, sources reported this evening.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Area Woman Has No Idea She Will Hate Jennifer Lawrence 7 Years From Now

BELLINGHAM, WA—Praising the actress’ laid-back personality and skill as a performer, local woman Becca Miser told friends Tuesday how much she likes movie star Jennifer Lawrence, unaware that she will completely turn on the actress and hate her in seven years’ time. “She has such a great sense of humor, she doesn’t have a huge ego, and she’s really down to earth compared to a lot of other celebrities,” Miser said of Lawrence, whom in the year 2020 she will call “completely fake,” “so self-involved,” and “trying way too hard.” “I could totally imagine hanging out with her in real life. And I think she’s so beautiful, too.” At press time exactly seven years from today, Miser is telling her friend that Lawrence “needs to lose some fucking weight.”

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