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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Area Woman Has No Idea She Will Hate Jennifer Lawrence 7 Years From Now

BELLINGHAM, WA—Praising the actress’ laid-back personality and skill as a performer, local woman Becca Miser told friends Tuesday how much she likes movie star Jennifer Lawrence, unaware that she will completely turn on the actress and hate her in seven years’ time. “She has such a great sense of humor, she doesn’t have a huge ego, and she’s really down to earth compared to a lot of other celebrities,” Miser said of Lawrence, whom in the year 2020 she will call “completely fake,” “so self-involved,” and “trying way too hard.” “I could totally imagine hanging out with her in real life. And I think she’s so beautiful, too.” At press time exactly seven years from today, Miser is telling her friend that Lawrence “needs to lose some fucking weight.”

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