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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Woman Has No Idea She Will Hate Jennifer Lawrence 7 Years From Now

BELLINGHAM, WA—Praising the actress’ laid-back personality and skill as a performer, local woman Becca Miser told friends Tuesday how much she likes movie star Jennifer Lawrence, unaware that she will completely turn on the actress and hate her in seven years’ time. “She has such a great sense of humor, she doesn’t have a huge ego, and she’s really down to earth compared to a lot of other celebrities,” Miser said of Lawrence, whom in the year 2020 she will call “completely fake,” “so self-involved,” and “trying way too hard.” “I could totally imagine hanging out with her in real life. And I think she’s so beautiful, too.” At press time exactly seven years from today, Miser is telling her friend that Lawrence “needs to lose some fucking weight.”

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