adBlockCheck

Area Woman Judges Everything By Whether It's Cute

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Woman Judges Everything By Whether It's Cute

EAU CLAIRE, WI–Sharon Sczerba evaluates everything on the basis of cuteness, sources close to the 36-year-old Eau Claire woman reported Monday.

Sharon Sczerba.

According to friends, Sczerba uses the word "cute" more than 150 times a day, applying it to everything from such traditionally cute items as infants and stuffed animals to such non-traditional items as board games, soft-drink bottles, and art.

"I remember one time, she said she liked Van Gogh," said neighbor and longtime friend Emily Cone. "I thought it was great that she was getting into art other than Anne Geddes photos, but then I found out she just thought his 'Sunflowers' painting was 'really cute.'"

When informed that Van Gogh had cut off his ear in a fit of madness, Sczerba reversed her opinion of the Dutch master's work, calling the painting "not so cute anymore."

When judging music and movies, cuteness is again the overriding factor, weighing more heavily than style, substance, or meaning.

"I know I'm a little old for them, but how could you not love 'N Sync–they are just darling," Sczerba said. "Speaking of darling, have you seen Bridget Jones's Diary yet? It's such a cute movie. Renée Zellweger is absolutely adorable in it."

Sczerba recently purchased an iMac for her home finances despite the fact that a PC would have better suited her needs.

"Isn't this computer the cutest thing? It's tangerine," Sczerba said. "When I saw it, I just had to have it. Why would you get a boring old gray box when you can get a precious little see-thru one like this instead?"

Cuteness was also the major determining factor in Sczerba's recent car purchase.

"When I saw the VW Bug, I thought it was the most adorable car in the world," Sczerba said. "Everyone told me I shouldn't get it because I'd need more trunk room to carry things to work and back, but when they showed me one in the cutest shade of yellow, I couldn't help myself."

Added Sczerba: "Know what Volkswagen should do? They should make a red VW Bug with black dots so it would look like a ladybug. That would be the cutest thing ever."

A donor to numerous charities, Sczerba evaluates organizations' worthiness on the basis of adorability.

"I joined PETA, because every time I see a baby seal, I just want to hug it and never let it go," Sczerba said. "But then, in the latest PETA newsletter, they were going on and on about how they're trying to save this rare species of crab, and I was like, 'Why? That thing is disgusting!' Before long, it became clear that half the things they wanted to save were either scary-looking or slimy, so I stopped giving to them."

According to psychologist Dr. Harold Backlund, Sczerba's cuteness fixation may prove destructive in the long run.

"Sharon's need to immerse herself wholly in that which is precious is indicative of an inability to deal with conflict and pain," Backlund said. "One day, she is going to face an ugliness in her life that she cannot turn away from, and when that happens, it will send her entire world into a massive, irreversible tailspin."

Sczerba is unfazed by the possibility.

"Whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps, I just take one look at the picture I have of a baby dressed up as a pumpkin, and everything's all right," Sczerba said. "There's no problem a picture of a baby in a pumpkin suit can't fix. Talk about cute!"

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close