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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park

HUNTINGTON, WV—Local resident Ann Jacobsen announced Tuesday that she is “champing at the bit” to complain to township officials should anyone object to a display of the nativity scene recently erected in the community park. “Someone’s bound to say something, and when they do, I’ll be ready to unleash a big tirade about the attack on Christian traditions and our right to publicly celebrate religious holidays,” said Jacobsen, adding that she is “raring to go” with a long-winded speech defending the presence of the diorama, which depicts an infant Jesus Christ lying in a small manger alongside life-size figurines of the Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph. “Then I’ll launch into a whole thing about how if this was a display for a Muslim or Jewish holiday, no one would be saying a thing. Oh, and I’ll top it all off by arguing that if you don’t like it, no one’s making you look at it. I can’t wait.” Jacobsen also confirmed her desire to harshly criticize anyone who takes offense to the “Merry Christmas” sign above the exhibit. At press time, a disappointed Jacobsen looked on as a Middle Eastern woman walked by the exhibit and commented that it was “very nice.”

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