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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park

HUNTINGTON, WV—Local resident Ann Jacobsen announced Tuesday that she is “champing at the bit” to complain to township officials should anyone object to a display of the nativity scene recently erected in the community park. “Someone’s bound to say something, and when they do, I’ll be ready to unleash a big tirade about the attack on Christian traditions and our right to publicly celebrate religious holidays,” said Jacobsen, adding that she is “raring to go” with a long-winded speech defending the presence of the diorama, which depicts an infant Jesus Christ lying in a small manger alongside life-size figurines of the Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph. “Then I’ll launch into a whole thing about how if this was a display for a Muslim or Jewish holiday, no one would be saying a thing. Oh, and I’ll top it all off by arguing that if you don’t like it, no one’s making you look at it. I can’t wait.” Jacobsen also confirmed her desire to harshly criticize anyone who takes offense to the “Merry Christmas” sign above the exhibit. At press time, a disappointed Jacobsen looked on as a Middle Eastern woman walked by the exhibit and commented that it was “very nice.”

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