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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Area Woman Just Itching To Complain If Anyone Objects To Nativity Scene In Park

HUNTINGTON, WV—Local resident Ann Jacobsen announced Tuesday that she is “champing at the bit” to complain to township officials should anyone object to a display of the nativity scene recently erected in the community park. “Someone’s bound to say something, and when they do, I’ll be ready to unleash a big tirade about the attack on Christian traditions and our right to publicly celebrate religious holidays,” said Jacobsen, adding that she is “raring to go” with a long-winded speech defending the presence of the diorama, which depicts an infant Jesus Christ lying in a small manger alongside life-size figurines of the Virgin Mary and Saint Joseph. “Then I’ll launch into a whole thing about how if this was a display for a Muslim or Jewish holiday, no one would be saying a thing. Oh, and I’ll top it all off by arguing that if you don’t like it, no one’s making you look at it. I can’t wait.” Jacobsen also confirmed her desire to harshly criticize anyone who takes offense to the “Merry Christmas” sign above the exhibit. At press time, a disappointed Jacobsen looked on as a Middle Eastern woman walked by the exhibit and commented that it was “very nice.”

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