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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Area Woman Marries Into Health Insurance

SAN FRANCISCO—The motives of local woman Janet Debois, 28, came under scrutiny Sunday following accusations that she had only married Vince Davidson, 31, for his generous health insurance policy. “She wasn't even into Vince until he started flashing around his Blue Cross/Blue Shield card," said Carly Platt, a longtime acquaintance who speculated Debois might one day leave her new husband for an older man with a smaller co-pay. "You could just see the wheels turning in her head once she found out his dental plan covered twice-annual cleanings. Then it was a sprint to the altar." Sources close to Davidson confirmed he plans to use his wife as a tax write-off.

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