adBlockCheck

Area Woman Not About To Miss Ally McBeal For That

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Area Woman Not About To Miss Ally McBeal For That

ROCHESTER, NY—At approximately 10 p.m. Thursday, 41-year-old Rochester resident Connie Smoller informed her husband Patrick that she isn't about to miss Ally McBeal for that. "For God's sake, this is the classic 'Those Lips, That Hand' episode from last April," Smoller said. "That's the one where John tells Ally that Nelle thinks he's in love with Ally, and then he kisses her. And Nelle gets Barry White to sing at the bar for John's birthday, and then John goes up and dances on the stage and everyone joins him. And if that weren't enough, it's got that whole hilarious thing with Billy and Georgia trying the case where the guy gets fired from his job because of his bad comb-over, and the thing with Richard wanting to break up with Ling because she doesn't want to have sex with him. There's no way I'm missing all of that just to go to your silly 25th high-school reunion."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close