Area Woman Offended For Fourth Time In One Day

Top Headlines

Local

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Productivity

Area Woman Offended For Fourth Time In One Day

BROOKLINE, MA–Irene Fowles was offended by a telemarketer who called during the dinner hour Tuesday, raising the total number of times the 56-year-old homemaker had been offended that day to four.

Irene Fowles in her own home, where she should be able to enjoy dinner uninterrupted.

"I simply could not believe the nerve of that so-and-so, calling just as my husband and I were finally sitting down to the nice meal I had prepared," Fowles told reporters gathered in front of her suburban Boston home. "Imagine harassing decent people in the middle of their private time like that. How dare he?"

Fowles' mark of four falls short of the all-time Boston-area single-day offense-taking record of seven, set by Somerville secretary Florence Bullock in 1981. It is, however, a personal best for Fowles, who on a daily basis is forced to endure slights, rebuffs, affronts, and astonishing gall from a wide range of sources.

The first instance of offense took place at 9:20 a.m. while Fowles was watching the syndicated talk show Leeza. The topic of the show was Charles Manson, and Fowles was shocked to learn of a subculture of youths who greatly admire the serial killer, sending him fan mail and buying T-shirts and posters bearing his image.

"'Outraged' is too mild a word to describe my reaction when I heard this," Fowles said. "'Sickened' is more like it. How can anyone admire that evil man? It deeply disturbs me that with all the millions of unsung heroes out there, like teachers and paramedics and neighborhood-watch people, young people would worship a monster like Charles Manson. And Leeza's not much better herself for giving these wackos a forum to air their twisted views. Shame on her."

The disapproval continued approximately three hours later when Fowles stopped by First Boston Savings & Loan to withdraw money for grocery shopping. Though the bank was nearly empty, the area facing the tellers' windows was elaborately roped off.

"After filling out my withdrawal slip, I worked my way through the ropes," Fowles said. "I felt a little silly winding through them when I could have directly walked to a teller window, but I felt I was supposed to."

Before Fowles could reach the teller windows, however, a man entered the lobby and walked directly to the teller window, where he was immediately served.

"That really got my goat," Fowles said. "Obviously, I was there in the line before the man, but because I followed the rules, I was the one who got the short shrift. The worst part is, when I complained to the teller, she said she didn't see what happened. It's bad enough that the guy cuts in front of me, but then, when a representative of the very institution whose ropes I'm walking through at their request doesn't even seem to care, well, that's when I really must take issue."

Added Fowles: "I wonder if the real reason I got ignored is because I'm a woman."

After an unexpectedly umbrage-free trip to the supermarket, Fowles returned home, only to be "taken aback" by the realization that that her friend Shirley Reynolds, a 48-year-old registered nurse and Tupperware representative, had neglected to place a Tupperware catalog in her mailbox as promised.

"The new Tupperware catalogs were supposed to be out on the 25th, and Shirley knew that I want to order some new CrystalWave microwave bowls, since my daughter Lindsay took my original ones," Fowles said. "I must have told Shirley on at least on three separate occasions that when the new catalogs come out, please stick one in my mailbox. Well, she promised me she would on Tuesday afternoon, but when I got home, no catalog. That really steamed me."

"Friendly favors aside," Fowles continued, "if you're in the Tupperware business, you should take care of your customers. Especially when they're perfectly capable of going out to Wal-Mart and buying some Pyrex or Rubbermaid bowls–for less money, I might add. Unless, of course, Shirley's doing so well as a Tupperware representative that I'm not important enough a customer to be considered worthy of a catalog."

As of press time, it is not known how Fowles will respond to the various offenses. Fowles' husband, however, said she will likely seek satisfaction through indirect reproach.

"Irene's forever writing letters to the editor, filling out comment cards, and complaining to assistant managers," said Dean Fowles, 59. "But four offenses in one day is remarkable even for her. She's loaded for bear, let me tell you."

In the past, Fowles has been offended by a wide range of matters, including the Clinton-Lewinsky imbroglio, the adult humor content on Fox's That '70s Show, and not being asked to make something for her church's July 1998 bake sale.

Dick Hollingsworth, president of the Dallas-based courtesy-advocacy group Of All The Incredible Nerve, sympathized with Fowles.

"When I heard about the many indignities Irene suffered, I rolled my eyes and clucked my tongue disapprovingly," Hollingsworth said. "It's all very typical, isn't it? Absolutely no regard for how the other person might feel. Just an hour ago, I looked outside at the parking lot and saw these kids sitting on my car waiting for the bus. Just sitting on my car like it was a park bench! The nerve. And have you seen that Kellogg's Rice Krispies Treats commercial where the man's arm is ripped off his body in the subway? Whose idea of humor is that? Certainly not mine. I have to be subjected to this kind of trash day in and day out, and I'm fed up. Well, Kellogg's is going to get one angry letter from me, let me tell you."