Area Woman Only Enjoys Miniature Versions Of Things

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
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Area Woman Only Enjoys Miniature Versions Of Things

MANHATTAN, KS—Though she has been known to tolerate full-sized items on occasion, local woman Barbara Elsinger, 41, can only derive pleasure from, take an interest in, and exhibit affection toward miniaturized versions of things, sources reported Tuesday.

Elsinger displays a variety of objects tiny enough to receive her affection.

A veterinary assistant who specializes in the care of toy poodles, miniature schnauzers, and dwarf hamsters, Elsinger—or Barb, as she prefers to be called—is reportedly unable to resist the charm of any object, animal, or food item rendered at a reduced scale.

"I have literally seen her squeal with joy at the sight of a cocktail weenie," said husband Bernard Elsinger, who met his wife seven years ago at his nephew's peewee-league baseball game. "I don't know what it is about smaller-than-normal stuff that she is so drawn to, but nothing makes my wife happier than experiencing something at one-quarter its usual size."

Elsinger's fascination with tiny things began when she received her first dollhouse at the age of 5. Before long she was learning the piccolo, competing in ping-pong tournaments, and asking Santa's elves for a Shetland pony each Christmas.

By age 18, she was attending a small liberal arts college, where her love for M&M; Easter candies and pocket packs of facial tissue continued to grow. After graduation, she worked for a short time as a contributing editor at Reader's Digest, but soon realized her career path lay elsewhere.

She started working part time at the animal hospital in 1991.

"Oh, look at his tiny little ears!" Elsinger was overheard to exclaim when a four-week-old kitten was brought to her clinic earlier this week. "Aww, and his little coat and boots! Isn't that adorable? Hold on, I need to get a picture of this."

Reached for comment, Elsinger's mother, Danielle Millari, confirmed her daughter's passion for all things diminutive.

"As a girl, she used to wake up every morning and beg us to make her a short stack of silver-dollar pancakes," Millari said. "And I still remember the time I had to pull her, kicking and screaming, off the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney. When we got home, she spent hours crying in her tree house until we lured her down with fun-sized candy bars."

According to sources close to Elsinger, some of her other favorite things include dioramas, petits fours, charm bracelets, those tiny soaps people leave out when they have guests, the iPod Nano, clutch purses, button noses, and individual serving-sized packets of anything.

In spite of her enthusiasm for items of limited proportion, Elsinger has complained to friends that such pleasures are "small potatoes" compared to the one thing still missing from her life. There's a tiny hole in her heart that can only be filled by a miniature version of herself: a baby. Though the 41-year-old has spent years gushing over the adorable little fingers and toes of her friends' toddlers, Elsinger and her husband have thus far been unable to conceive a child of their own—a fertility problem doctors have attributed to her abnormally large uterus.