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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Area Woman Only Enjoys Miniature Versions Of Things

MANHATTAN, KS—Though she has been known to tolerate full-sized items on occasion, local woman Barbara Elsinger, 41, can only derive pleasure from, take an interest in, and exhibit affection toward miniaturized versions of things, sources reported Tuesday.

Elsinger displays a variety of objects tiny enough to receive her affection.

A veterinary assistant who specializes in the care of toy poodles, miniature schnauzers, and dwarf hamsters, Elsinger—or Barb, as she prefers to be called—is reportedly unable to resist the charm of any object, animal, or food item rendered at a reduced scale.

"I have literally seen her squeal with joy at the sight of a cocktail weenie," said husband Bernard Elsinger, who met his wife seven years ago at his nephew's peewee-league baseball game. "I don't know what it is about smaller-than-normal stuff that she is so drawn to, but nothing makes my wife happier than experiencing something at one-quarter its usual size."

Elsinger's fascination with tiny things began when she received her first dollhouse at the age of 5. Before long she was learning the piccolo, competing in ping-pong tournaments, and asking Santa's elves for a Shetland pony each Christmas.

By age 18, she was attending a small liberal arts college, where her love for M&M; Easter candies and pocket packs of facial tissue continued to grow. After graduation, she worked for a short time as a contributing editor at Reader's Digest, but soon realized her career path lay elsewhere.

She started working part time at the animal hospital in 1991.

"Oh, look at his tiny little ears!" Elsinger was overheard to exclaim when a four-week-old kitten was brought to her clinic earlier this week. "Aww, and his little coat and boots! Isn't that adorable? Hold on, I need to get a picture of this."

Reached for comment, Elsinger's mother, Danielle Millari, confirmed her daughter's passion for all things diminutive.

"As a girl, she used to wake up every morning and beg us to make her a short stack of silver-dollar pancakes," Millari said. "And I still remember the time I had to pull her, kicking and screaming, off the "It's a Small World" ride at Disney. When we got home, she spent hours crying in her tree house until we lured her down with fun-sized candy bars."

According to sources close to Elsinger, some of her other favorite things include dioramas, petits fours, charm bracelets, those tiny soaps people leave out when they have guests, the iPod Nano, clutch purses, button noses, and individual serving-sized packets of anything.

In spite of her enthusiasm for items of limited proportion, Elsinger has complained to friends that such pleasures are "small potatoes" compared to the one thing still missing from her life. There's a tiny hole in her heart that can only be filled by a miniature version of herself: a baby. Though the 41-year-old has spent years gushing over the adorable little fingers and toes of her friends' toddlers, Elsinger and her husband have thus far been unable to conceive a child of their own—a fertility problem doctors have attributed to her abnormally large uterus.

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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

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