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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Area Woman Prefers To Get Same Advice From As Many People As Possible

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—When faced with any kind of vexing decision or problem, 29-year-old Christine Lim prefers to weigh all her options by getting the exact same advice from as many people who already agree with her as possible, the area woman told reporters Monday. "If I meet a great guy who's really sweet but still getting over a bitter divorce, I just feel better knowing that 20 to 30 of my friends are in lockstep with my predetermined opinion that I should look past it and date him anyway," said Lim, who has also sought out a wide range of identical opinions on recipes, birthday gifts for her mom, and whether or not one of her shoulders is slightly higher than the other. "Calling on those close to me to endlessly reconfirm my worldview makes coming to conclusions that much easier." Lim added that on the occasions when she does encounter someone with a conflicting take, she is quickly reassured by her real friends that Laura is a total bitch.

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