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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Area Woman Said ‘Sorry’ 118 Times Yesterday

ROCHESTER, MN—Having repeatedly apologized for incidents such as accidentally brushing up against other people on the train, stepping aside in an elevator, and reaching for the same coffee mug as a colleague at work, local 24-year-old Katie Simpson was overheard saying “sorry” nearly 120 different times yesterday, sources reported. “Sorry,” Simpson said softly under her breath Wednesday morning while walking past a coworker in the hallway, an occurrence that would be repeated 17 more times throughout the course of the day. “Sorry, sorry.” Sources also confirmed Simpson said “sorry” yesterday on at least two occasions while bumping into an inanimate object.

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