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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Area Woman Said ‘Sorry’ 118 Times Yesterday

ROCHESTER, MN—Having repeatedly apologized for incidents such as accidentally brushing up against other people on the train, stepping aside in an elevator, and reaching for the same coffee mug as a colleague at work, local 24-year-old Katie Simpson was overheard saying “sorry” nearly 120 different times yesterday, sources reported. “Sorry,” Simpson said softly under her breath Wednesday morning while walking past a coworker in the hallway, an occurrence that would be repeated 17 more times throughout the course of the day. “Sorry, sorry.” Sources also confirmed Simpson said “sorry” yesterday on at least two occasions while bumping into an inanimate object.

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