Area Woman Thinking About Doing That Thing Where She’s Mean To Other Women She Meets For No Reason

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Area Woman Thinking About Doing That Thing Where She’s Mean To Other Women She Meets For No Reason

TACOMA, WA—Local woman Jillian Lauretta confirmed to reporters Friday that she was thinking of doing that thing where she acts incredibly cold and unfriendly toward other women she has just met for absolutely no earthly reason whatsoever. “You know, I think I might just go ahead and make a couple women whom I don’t know and whom I have absolutely no reason to dislike feel very uncomfortable and insecure by greeting them with a tight-lipped smile and then silently judging them,” said the 32-year-old accounts manager, adding that she might even tack on the whole bit where she reacts to every perfectly pleasant thing another woman says with chilly near-silence and then, when said woman leaves the room, say something mildly cutting about her in a way that opens the conversation up to outright trash talk if anyone else is so inclined. “While I’m at it, I’ll probably feel threatened by her based on nothing at all and then make little passive-aggressive asides about her—whereas she’ll just be really friendly to me, which will only make me feel small and petty, and my self-loathing will drive me to irrationally despise her all the more.” At press time, reports indicate that Lauretta was not laughing at a humorous remark another woman was making.


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