Area Woman Thinking About Doing That Thing Where She’s Mean To Other Women She Meets For No Reason

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Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.

California Town On Sale On Craigslist For $225K

The town of Seneca, CA, a 12-acre former gold-mining outpost in the northern part of the state, is being offered on Craigslist for $225,000, which includes the town’s liquor license, three cabins, and a bar.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Area Woman Thinking About Doing That Thing Where She’s Mean To Other Women She Meets For No Reason

TACOMA, WA—Local woman Jillian Lauretta confirmed to reporters Friday that she was thinking of doing that thing where she acts incredibly cold and unfriendly toward other women she has just met for absolutely no earthly reason whatsoever. “You know, I think I might just go ahead and make a couple women whom I don’t know and whom I have absolutely no reason to dislike feel very uncomfortable and insecure by greeting them with a tight-lipped smile and then silently judging them,” said the 32-year-old accounts manager, adding that she might even tack on the whole bit where she reacts to every perfectly pleasant thing another woman says with chilly near-silence and then, when said woman leaves the room, say something mildly cutting about her in a way that opens the conversation up to outright trash talk if anyone else is so inclined. “While I’m at it, I’ll probably feel threatened by her based on nothing at all and then make little passive-aggressive asides about her—whereas she’ll just be really friendly to me, which will only make me feel small and petty, and my self-loathing will drive me to irrationally despise her all the more.” At press time, reports indicate that Lauretta was not laughing at a humorous remark another woman was making.

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