adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Area Woman Thinks She Could Live In City She's Visiting

SAN FRANCISCO—After a few close friends personally escorted her around San Francisco's nicest parks, restaurants, and shopping centers, Virginia-native and first-time visitor Lori Timlin reported Sunday that she could envision herself living in the one of the nation's most expensive cities. "I can really see myself in one of those great big houses up on that hill, or maybe in an apartment overlooking the water," said the 28-year-old paralegal, whose friends had strategically steered her away from the city's aggressive homeless population and infuriating public transportation system. "How could you not want to live in a sparklingly clean city with such a perfect warm and sunny climate all year round?" During a four-hour layover at O'Hare Intern≠ational Airport on her trip back home, Timlin concluded she could never, ever live in Chicago.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close