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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Area Woman Thinks She Could Live In City She's Visiting

SAN FRANCISCO—After a few close friends personally escorted her around San Francisco's nicest parks, restaurants, and shopping centers, Virginia-native and first-time visitor Lori Timlin reported Sunday that she could envision herself living in the one of the nation's most expensive cities. "I can really see myself in one of those great big houses up on that hill, or maybe in an apartment overlooking the water," said the 28-year-old paralegal, whose friends had strategically steered her away from the city's aggressive homeless population and infuriating public transportation system. "How could you not want to live in a sparklingly clean city with such a perfect warm and sunny climate all year round?" During a four-hour layover at O'Hare Intern≠ational Airport on her trip back home, Timlin concluded she could never, ever live in Chicago.

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