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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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Area Woman To Celebrate Quiet Women's History Month At Home This Year

SAN FRANCISCO—Juliette Solomon said that despite the pressure to "make a big production" out of Women's History Month, she will likely spend March alone this year. "Every year, it's the same thing: the Julia Howe and Lucretia Mott biographies, the art exhibits and photographs of Mother Jones," Solomon said. "This March, I'm just going to stay in, brew some tea, and catch up on my aromatherapy." Solomon added that she could "barely remember" Women's Day Eve 2005, save for a few fuzzy recollections of "some Susan B. Anthony documentary."

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