Area Woman Wants To Be Singer Or Actor Or Whatever

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Vol 46 Issue 13

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt.

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends

ATLANTA—Early in the study, Bobo's elevated mood and excessive chattering made him quite popular among the other chimpanzees. But researchers claimed that his increased irritability, short temper, and absenteeism at the jungle gym did not go unnoticed.

Area Man Foolishly Entrusted With Genetic Code

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite his laziness, unreliability, and below-average intelligence, 34-year-old local resident Dylan Fonseca has been given full access to the human genetic code, appalled biologists told reporters Monday.
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Area Woman Wants To Be Singer Or Actor Or Whatever

AKRON, OH—Ever since she was a little girl, Candice Huza, 22, has dreamed of someday becoming a popular singer, or actress, or some kind of famous celebrity or whatever. "Getting to sing, or maybe model, or receive some kind of huge acting award for whatever has always been a passion of mine," said Huza, leafing through an issue of Us Weekly. "I guess I was just born be one of those people you see on television, or in the theaters, or on some huge billboard somewhere. Or a magazine. It's my calling." According to sources close to her, Huza is in fact destined to become a Wal-Mart cashier, or maybe an office receptionist, or a bitter and unhappy housewife of some kind.

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