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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Area Woman Will Eat Anything With 'Tuscan' In Name

JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will eat any dish prefaced with the word "Tuscan," sources reported Monday. "Tuscan shrimp, Tuscan garlic chicken, it doesn't matter," said Millardi's boyfriend, Tim Vernacini. "I'm not really sure if she even knows what makes food Tuscan, but there's something about that region-specific culinary modifier that she finds inordinately appetizing." Vernacini added that Millardi likely would have loved the 2003 movie Under The Tuscan Sun had it not failed to meet her strict film criterion of having taken place between the years of 1743 and 1919.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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