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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Area Woman Will See Any Movie That Takes Place Between 1743 And 1919

JEFFERSON TOWNSHIP, NJ—-Veterinary assistant Lauren Millardi, 27, will watch any period film set within a strict historical time frame of 1743 and 1919, sources reported Monday. "If there's a Gilded Age plantation house or a tilbury horse-drawn carriage in the trailer, you can be sure Lauren will be in the theater opening weekend," said Millardi's boyfriend, Tim Vernacini. "There's just something about the span of years between the War of Austrian Succession and the end of the Spanish influenza epidemic that sweeps her right off her feet." Although he has dutifully viewed more than a dozen films set in the Victorian era in the past year alone, Vernacini said his girlfriend has yet to watch any of his favorite films, with the exception of the 12 minutes of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure that feature Napoleon Bonaparte.

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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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