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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats

HARTFORD, CT—Local neighbor Sarah Dobbs issued a public statement Tuesday notifying you that she is always available and willing to take care of your cats should the need arise.

Dobbs, above, could just drop by on her way home from work.

"It's really no hassle," Dobbs, 44, said. "If you're going out of town and need someone to drop in on them, I'd be happy to do it. I'm just happy to help out."

"I'm always around," she added.

Dobbs went on to state that the length of time you would be gone for would not in any way affect her offer. Whether you are planning a long trip, you just want to make sure they are fed before you return home, or your regular cat-sitter canceled on you at the last minute, Dobbs said, she would gladly travel to your house and perform all necessary cat-related duties.

"I know cats can be really mischievous sometimes," said Dobbs, who reminded you that she has three cats of her own. "You never know what kind of trouble they'll get themselves into if they're left alone. They don't mean to be bad. So yeah, let me know if you ever need me. To watch your cats."

Dobbs can be reached at (860)-760-1846. If she does not answer, she has advised you to try her cell, or to contact her by e-mail at sarahcat371@gmail.com.

Your cats

In the event of a last-minute need for a cat-sitter, Dobbs said, you can simply drop by her house. She is usually home every day after 3 p.m., except this Friday, when she has an appointment to take her cat Lulu to the veterinarian's office to pick up the cat's hyperthyroid medication and have the vet check out a small cyst that seems to be developing on Lulu's back.

In addition to feeding your cats, Dobbs has issued an offer to clean their litter boxes, pet them, and play with them.

"I love cats," Dobbs said.

She also noted that she would not blame you if you had your doubts, since "these are your babies we're talking about." If you would prefer, Dobbs can put you in touch with people whose cats she has fed in the past, and they can vouch for her.

Wendy Lipson, a former coworker of Dobbs who asked her to watch her cats during a weekend in May 2007, was largely positive about Dobbs' cat-feeding skills.

"[My cats] seemed fine," Lipson said. "They weren't crawling all over me for food when I got home, and there was still food in their bowls. It's like she had left the house minutes before I got home. They also had some toys I didn't recognize, which I'm pretty sure she brought over."

Upon entering into any cat-feeding agreement, Dobbs' only stipulation is that you leave her a note with any special instructions and the number of your vet in case there is an emergency.

Dobbs' services reportedly come at no charge.

"Oh, I could never accept any money," Dobbs said. "I just love helping out. And maybe the next time I go away, you can look in on my little angels."

The last time Dobbs left town for an extended period of time was July 1996.

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