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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Area Woman Wouldn't Mind Feeding Your Cats

HARTFORD, CT—Local neighbor Sarah Dobbs issued a public statement Tuesday notifying you that she is always available and willing to take care of your cats should the need arise.

Dobbs, above, could just drop by on her way home from work.

"It's really no hassle," Dobbs, 44, said. "If you're going out of town and need someone to drop in on them, I'd be happy to do it. I'm just happy to help out."

"I'm always around," she added.

Dobbs went on to state that the length of time you would be gone for would not in any way affect her offer. Whether you are planning a long trip, you just want to make sure they are fed before you return home, or your regular cat-sitter canceled on you at the last minute, Dobbs said, she would gladly travel to your house and perform all necessary cat-related duties.

"I know cats can be really mischievous sometimes," said Dobbs, who reminded you that she has three cats of her own. "You never know what kind of trouble they'll get themselves into if they're left alone. They don't mean to be bad. So yeah, let me know if you ever need me. To watch your cats."

Dobbs can be reached at (860)-760-1846. If she does not answer, she has advised you to try her cell, or to contact her by e-mail at sarahcat371@gmail.com.

Your cats

In the event of a last-minute need for a cat-sitter, Dobbs said, you can simply drop by her house. She is usually home every day after 3 p.m., except this Friday, when she has an appointment to take her cat Lulu to the veterinarian's office to pick up the cat's hyperthyroid medication and have the vet check out a small cyst that seems to be developing on Lulu's back.

In addition to feeding your cats, Dobbs has issued an offer to clean their litter boxes, pet them, and play with them.

"I love cats," Dobbs said.

She also noted that she would not blame you if you had your doubts, since "these are your babies we're talking about." If you would prefer, Dobbs can put you in touch with people whose cats she has fed in the past, and they can vouch for her.

Wendy Lipson, a former coworker of Dobbs who asked her to watch her cats during a weekend in May 2007, was largely positive about Dobbs' cat-feeding skills.

"[My cats] seemed fine," Lipson said. "They weren't crawling all over me for food when I got home, and there was still food in their bowls. It's like she had left the house minutes before I got home. They also had some toys I didn't recognize, which I'm pretty sure she brought over."

Upon entering into any cat-feeding agreement, Dobbs' only stipulation is that you leave her a note with any special instructions and the number of your vet in case there is an emergency.

Dobbs' services reportedly come at no charge.

"Oh, I could never accept any money," Dobbs said. "I just love helping out. And maybe the next time I go away, you can look in on my little angels."

The last time Dobbs left town for an extended period of time was July 1996.

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