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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Area Woman's Baseless Hatred Of Anne Hathaway Reciprocated

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Actress Anne Hathaway admitted to reporters Thursday that she feels the same baseless hatred for a Massachusetts woman that the woman feels toward her. "You can tell Cathy Lerro's totally in love with herself, even though she's really just fucking annoying," Hathaway said in reference to the 36-year-old Sudbury resident, who the Devil Wears Prada star grudgingly acknowledged was decent that one time as an office manager but hasn't done anything nearly that good since. "Ugh. Just hearing her name makes me kind of ill. And that voice." When questioned further by reporters, Hathaway vehemently denied her hatred for Lerro was motivated by jealousy.

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