Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs

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45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Mom Keeping Tabs On Coyote Situation

WAYZATA, MN—Regularly updating her husband and children on the frequency and location of sightings around the neighborhood, local mother Dana Salisbury continued to keep close tabs on the coyote situation this week, sources confirmed.

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

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SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

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Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.
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Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs

ROCKLAND, DE—Local resident Heather Telford's entire Friday was ruined by a set of uncooperative bangs that refused to set correctly, the 26-year-old benefits coordinator told reporters.

"Why me? Why today?" Telford asked.

According to Telford, the trouble began "right away" as she got ready for work, when she discovered that the three inches of forehead-skirting hair was unable to sit flat, despite the application of numerous gels, sprays, and pomades. A tuft on either side would not integrate with the central grouping, leaving three-quarter-inch gaps, while other wispy strands strayed from her temples, creating a highly undesirable "wing" effect. A last-ditch effort to wet and restyle the bangs only worsened their state, adding several more small kinks and increasing their overall dishevelment.

"It was so awful," Telford said. "I should've just called in sick after I found out that my straightening iron was broken, because the whole day went downhill from there. I can't imagine a worse thing happening to me."

The bangs went on to adversely affect every element of Telford's day, including her commute, her interactions with coworkers, the way food tasted, and even the sound of her voice.

"I kept feeling these awful little wayward pieces brushing against my face, and I couldn't think about anything else," Telford said. "I could just sense people's eyes burning holes into my forehead as I passed by the water cooler. I can't blame them. I looked like a complete freak."

Telford spent most of her hour-long lunch break locked in her office, trying unsuccessfully to pin back the bangs with a barrette she found in her desk drawer.

In the early afternoon, she was forced to present a new employee-wellness initiative at a meeting with company executives that she was unable to cancel.

Telford said her bosses were polite throughout her presentation, but were also "clearly trying not to burst out laughing" at her bangs.

"I'm not surprised they passed on the proposal—I just can't believe they didn't fire me on the spot," said Telford, who delivered her entire presentation while compulsively smoothing down the left portion of her bangs.

"How could they take me seriously with the state my hair was in?" Telford said. "Months of work down the drain all because my stupid, stupid bangs are so stupid."

The bangs, which Telford acquired five years ago in an attempt to frame her face and convince her ex-boyfriend he had made a big mistake by leaving her, have ruined an estimated 47 workdays, three vacations, and countless photos.

Blaming her errant bangs on a combination of genetics and routinely "sleeping on them funny," Telford said that their fine, flyaway nature and penchant for being either too long or too short exceed even the two-inch-wide port-wine birthmark on her hip as her most bothersome physical shortcoming.

"I'm about this close to cutting the damn things off myself, I swear to God," Telford said.

Though she has considered transitioning to a less stressful hairstyle, she said the process of growing the bangs out would be "10,000 times worse."

"I'd have to go through this awful period where they'd be at this odd, floppy length, and it would just suck," Telford said. "So I can either grow them out and look like a Yorkshire terrier, or keep them short and look like a mental patient. Those are my basic hair options right now."

Following a "humiliating" but unavoidable visit to the supermarket, Telford's plans to return home, shower, and go to bed were foiled by a surprise birthday party organized by her roommates in her honor. The party, attended by Telford's close friends, parents, and people not seen since high school, included presents, lots of champagne drinking, and photos, and was the absolute worst conceivable thing that could have ever happened to her.