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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Area Woman's Hair Always Wet

DENVER—Whether she's off running errands, meeting friends for drinks, or just relaxing in her apartment after work, local woman Amanda Chapman’s hair is always wet, sources reported Wednesday. "It's usually wettest in the morning, but even in the middle of the day it looks as if she just got out of the shower," said cubicle mate James Oakley, adding that he’s never once seen Chapman with dry hair since they started working together two years ago. "At first I thought maybe she was going to the gym at lunch and washing her hair afterward, but nope, I've gone to grab a sandwich with her a couple times and somehow it just stays wet. You'd think it would dry off by the end of the day, especially when it’s sunny out, but it never does." At press time, Chapman's hair was wet.

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