Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her

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Vol 50 Issue 32

Wrigley Field Removes Iconic Ivy From Urinal Troughs

CHICAGO—In a move that has outraged many fans who consider the vines a treasured part of Wrigley Field’s charm and unique character, the Chicago Cubs announced Friday that they would be removing the stadium’s iconic ivy from its urinal t...

Weak-Willed Termite Eats Whole Log In One Sitting

A local man feels even lazier when he thinks about how much ISIS has accomplished this year, a police officer doesn’t see a difference between black and light-skinned black suspects, and a weak-willed termite eats a whole log in one sitting.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her

SAN FRANCISCO—Pointing out that there are very distinct criteria she looks for in a partner, area woman Christine Maloof told reporters this week that the men she finds attractive tend to be tall, athletic, and have hurt her in the past. “If I had to narrow it down, I’d say I usually go for muscular guys over 6 feet tall who’ve toyed with my emotions and broken my heart at least once before,” the 28-year-old said, noting that her past two flings have been with a former coworker who played in a local soccer league and who dumped her by text on her birthday, and a “super buff” bartender who whittled down her self-esteem over the course of two years with increasingly aggressive and controlling behavior. “I know it’s pretty specific, but for whatever reason I’m just really drawn to men with a certain lean, powerful physique who have already caused me considerable anguish. Especially if they’ve got dark hair and brown eyes and have slept with my best friend.” At press time, Maloof was reportedly thrilled after spotting a cute jogger around the corner from the apartment she used to share with him.

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