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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her

SAN FRANCISCO—Pointing out that there are very distinct criteria she looks for in a partner, area woman Christine Maloof told reporters this week that the men she finds attractive tend to be tall, athletic, and have hurt her in the past. “If I had to narrow it down, I’d say I usually go for muscular guys over 6 feet tall who’ve toyed with my emotions and broken my heart at least once before,” the 28-year-old said, noting that her past two flings have been with a former coworker who played in a local soccer league and who dumped her by text on her birthday, and a “super buff” bartender who whittled down her self-esteem over the course of two years with increasingly aggressive and controlling behavior. “I know it’s pretty specific, but for whatever reason I’m just really drawn to men with a certain lean, powerful physique who have already caused me considerable anguish. Especially if they’ve got dark hair and brown eyes and have slept with my best friend.” At press time, Maloof was reportedly thrilled after spotting a cute jogger around the corner from the apartment she used to share with him.

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