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Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her

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PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her

SAN FRANCISCO—Pointing out that there are very distinct criteria she looks for in a partner, area woman Christine Maloof told reporters this week that the men she finds attractive tend to be tall, athletic, and have hurt her in the past. “If I had to narrow it down, I’d say I usually go for muscular guys over 6 feet tall who’ve toyed with my emotions and broken my heart at least once before,” the 28-year-old said, noting that her past two flings have been with a former coworker who played in a local soccer league and who dumped her by text on her birthday, and a “super buff” bartender who whittled down her self-esteem over the course of two years with increasingly aggressive and controlling behavior. “I know it’s pretty specific, but for whatever reason I’m just really drawn to men with a certain lean, powerful physique who have already caused me considerable anguish. Especially if they’ve got dark hair and brown eyes and have slept with my best friend.” At press time, Maloof was reportedly thrilled after spotting a cute jogger around the corner from the apartment she used to share with him.

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