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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Area Woman's Type Tall, Athletic Men Who Have Already Hurt Her

SAN FRANCISCO—Pointing out that there are very distinct criteria she looks for in a partner, area woman Christine Maloof told reporters this week that the men she finds attractive tend to be tall, athletic, and have hurt her in the past. “If I had to narrow it down, I’d say I usually go for muscular guys over 6 feet tall who’ve toyed with my emotions and broken my heart at least once before,” the 28-year-old said, noting that her past two flings have been with a former coworker who played in a local soccer league and who dumped her by text on her birthday, and a “super buff” bartender who whittled down her self-esteem over the course of two years with increasingly aggressive and controlling behavior. “I know it’s pretty specific, but for whatever reason I’m just really drawn to men with a certain lean, powerful physique who have already caused me considerable anguish. Especially if they’ve got dark hair and brown eyes and have slept with my best friend.” At press time, Maloof was reportedly thrilled after spotting a cute jogger around the corner from the apartment she used to share with him.

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