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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Arena Security Prevents Erik Spoelstra From Celebrating With Miami Heat

MIAMI—Following the Miami Heat’s decisive Game 7 victory over the Indiana Pacers in the Eastern Conference championship series Monday night, security personnel at American Airlines Arena reportedly rushed to the floor to prevent Erik Spoelstra from joining the Heat in celebrating their win. “Sir, sir! You can’t go onto the court; celebration’s for members of the Heat organization only. No fans allowed,” head of security Michael Welsh was reportedly overheard telling Spoelstra before he was forced to physically restrain him. “Sir, I do not know who you are, but this is the Heat’s big moment. I’m gonna have to ask you to leave or I’m gonna make you leave. Either one.” Sources later confirmed that as Spoelstra was being escorted from the arena by security, he yelled, “LeBron! LeBron, over here!” at which point LeBron James looked over, saw his coach, and resumed celebrating with his teammates.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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