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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Argument Between Employees Shatters Illusion Of Professionalism Traditionally Associated With Walgreens

JOLIET, IL— According to eyewitness reports, two employees at a local Walgreens engaged in a heated argument Sunday in full view of customers, shattering the air of decorum traditionally associated with the drugstore chain. "Like most people, I've come to expect a certain level of courtesy and professionalism when I enter a Walgreens—the kind of effortless competence all retailers aspire to but few ever achieve," said shaken patron Gabe Lawrie, 28, who described two checkout clerks engaging in a loud dispute and not even acknowledging his presence until their exchange was interrupted when one took a personal phone call. "When you hear the name Walgreens, you think: an expert staff with a thorough knowledge of the store's products and—above all else—an unfailing respect for the dignity of the customer. I was looking around thinking, 'Is this a Walgreens? Am I in the wrong store?'" Lawrie then shook his head and crossed the street to CVS, where a white-gloved assistant manager greeted him with direct eye contact and a deep bow.

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