Arianna Huffington Unveils New 'Huffington Man' Aggregated From 84 Different Humans

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Arianna Huffington Unveils New 'Huffington Man' Aggregated From 84 Different Humans

The Huffington Man, an aggregation of 84 different humans, is unveiled.
The Huffington Man, an aggregation of 84 different humans, is unveiled.

NEW YORK—Declaring the creation a worthy follow-up to her widely successful news aggregation website, media magnate Arianna Huffington unveiled today her latest project known as the Huffington Man, an enormous creature aggregated from the body parts of 84 different humans.

Huffington showcased the 8-foot-tall, 450-pound being at a press event in lower Manhattan, explaining that the biological amalgam was compiled in a secret underground Huffington Post laboratory using the organs, musculature, and skeletal components of prominent figures from the worlds of politics, sports, entertainment, health, comedy, and technology.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Huffington Man is the culmination of years’ worth of in-depth scientific research and experimentation,” said the Internet entrepreneur, gesturing towards the hulking patchwork of decaying flesh and bone, which stared lifelessly out at the assembled press corps from within a steel cage. “He is the best parts of 84 different men—the athlete, the businessman, the scholar, the pop culture expert—all in one marvelous and extraordinary human being.”

“The Huffington Man is the man of the future,” she added. “With him, there is no need for any other man.”

Sources confirmed that development on the Huffington Man project began in early 2007, as researchers began harvesting the body parts of various corpses from graves across the country. They noted that the composite being includes a combination of brain matter removed from the skulls of the nation’s preeminent film and television critics, muscles severed from the limbs of health and yoga experts, along with the faces of actors Paul Newman, Ernest Borgnine, and Whitney Houston.

According to unconfirmed rumors, the aggregated colossus is also composed of hair, blood, and sinews from various unpaid freelance bloggers.

“When Arianna first told me about the Huffington Man project, I knew this was a chance for us to revolutionize mankind as we know it,” said Dr. Jonas Baumgartner, an eminent anatomist whom Huffington had flown in from Austria to lead the project. “This one magnificent being renders all traditional men obsolete. He possesses the strength of nearly 100 humans and also happens to be emphatic about his liberal political leanings and obsessed with celebrity wardrobe malfunctions.”

“After all these years, the Huffington Man is finally a reality,” continued Baumgartner. “And he has a fairly harsh critique of this season of Downton Abbey.”

According to Baumgartner, completion of the pieced-together man comes after numerous trials in Huffington Labs yielded mixed results. In 2008, the research team reportedly suffered a major setback when a similarly amassed being, which was composed of the fur and viscera of the world’s top 100 cutest animals, had to be put down after mauling four scientists.

Baumgartner noted that his research team was again deeply disappointed in late 2011, when a precursor to the Huffington Man became despondent after catching a glimpse of his reflection in a mirror and subsequently tore his body apart.

While Huffington and her scientists have hailed the new creature as a triumph, others have called the being an “abomination” and a “dangerous precedent for the future of humankind.”

“This savage behemoth does not belong in this world,” said Dr. Lars Szabó, a scientist who claimed to have once worked on the Huffington Man project before leaving on “moral grounds” in 2009. “I warned them—I warned them all that they were creating something unnatural and unforgivable that has no place among humanity.”

“The aggregated man is a challenge to God himself!” Szabó added. “It must be destroyed!”

At press time, the Huffington Man was reportedly on the loose after breaking free from his enclosure, snapping the body of a reporter against his knee, and escaping onto the Manhattan streets while shrieking about the increasing role of women in comedy.