Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President

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Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts

PENSACOLA, FL—Lance Kiser, the host at the Erewan Thai restaurant, informed fellow employees Monday that the bloated, choking man at table four may contain trace amounts of peanuts. "Warning: The dark-haired businessman who very suddenly began experiencing shortness of breath, confusion, and slurred speech may contain trace amounts of peanuts," Kiser said. "He definitely ate a plate of chicken curry prepared in the same facility as dishes containing peanuts and/or other nuts." The purple-faced, swelling man declined comment.

Drive-Time Commute Jam-Packed With Entertainment

CHANDLER, AZ—Phoenix-area resident Bruce Meske, 34, said he can't believe the amazing number of riveting, drive-time radio options available for his 40-minute commute home every night. "At no other time of the day is my life so jam-packed with incredible entertainment choices," Meske said Monday. "I could listen to the '60s at 6:00 or tune into the week's Top Five with Fathead on The Zone! Should I get the lead out with Beebo and Frank, stay informed with Ted and Heidi, or get riled by Mike Savage?! Sometimes I wish my commute took two hours!" Meske added that his wealth of options for the morning drive floor him as well.

Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream

SOUTH BEND, IN—Dale Seebach, 32, who has dreamed of opening his own liquor store since childhood, saw his dream become a reality Monday. "I never thought I would own a liquor store," said Seebach to his two part-time employees at the grand opening of Dale's Spirits on Front Street. "It was a lot of hard work applying for the loan, getting a lease, and working out the distribution, but I did it!" If the store does well, Seebach may someday realize his other dream of enclosing his backyard deck for winter use.

Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast

NEW YORK—Due to the falling out between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, producers of Fox's The Simple Life are continuing their search for the perfect spoiled, no-talent socialite cunt to step in for Richie. "It shouldn't be too hard to find another vapid, muddied cum-dumpster perpetually drunk on the jizz of trust-fund himbos," producer Jonathan Murray said. "Any million-dollar Bambi with a vast inheritance and no ambition will do, though gutter-sluts with coke-fueled pasts will be given special consideration." Murray added that "it doesn't matter if her pussy rattles when the wind blows—we can fix that in post."

Improving Amtrak

Following last week's announcement that an entire fleet of Acela trains will be taken out of service for repairs, Amtrak is looking for ways to reinvigorate the company. What are some of the measures it's taking?

Actual Expert Too Boring For TV

SECAUCUS, NJ—Dr. Gary Canton, a professor of applied nuclear physics and energy-development technologies at MIT and a leading expert in American nuclear-power applications, was rejected by MSNBC producers for being "too boring for TV" Monday.

Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
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Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President

Bush examines his credit-card statements.
Bush examines his credit-card statements.

WASHINGTON, DC—Confusion and disbelief reigned at the White House after President Bush announced Monday that an Arizona man, known to authorities only as H4xX0r1337, stole his identity and used it to buy electronic goods, veto a bill, and meet with Mexican President Vicente Fox.

"This is incredibly frustrating," Bush told reporters Tuesday. "Not only does this guy have my credit-card information, he has my Social Security number, all my personal information, and the launch codes for a number of ballistic intercontinental nuclear missiles. I almost don't want to think about it."

"I feel so violated," Bush added.

Bush said he has canceled his credit cards and changed the national-security codes, but he labeled the process a "total nightmare."

"It's a huge ordeal," Bush said. "Everything will be straightened out eventually, but my credit rating and political capital are down the tubes. I asked the FBI, and they aren't even sure how long this guy's had my identity. For all I know, he's started up his own oil refinery somewhere in Alaska."

Close examination of this photo of President Bush’s April 16 address to the White House press corps reveals an imposter FBI authorities believe may be the elusive identity thief H4xX0r1337.

Bush said he began to suspect something was wrong when he received a card from Sen. Bill Frist, thanking him for vetoing the Digital Media Consumers' Rights Act of 2005.

"I thought I was going crazy," Bush said. "I had no recollection of even reading that piece of legislation, much less killing it. At first, I thought Frist had things mixed up, but I checked the records, and sure enough, someone with my credentials came into the White House in late March while I was on my ranch and vetoed that bill."

Bush said he only recognized the full magnitude of the problem last Tuesday, when Mexican President Fox called to thank him for the "incredibly positive and productive summit."

"Vicente said I had agreed to an aid package for his country," Bush said. "It was like I was in cuckoo-land. That's when I called [FBI Director Robert] Mueller. I said, 'You may want to sit down for this one, Bob. I think someone stole my identity.'"

According to Mueller, examining Bush's recent outgoing e-mail led him to believe that the president's identity was probably stolen about five weeks ago, when he responded to an e-mail from paypal783@hotmail.com asking him to comply with PayPal security measures by entering all 12 of his credit-card numbers, his Social Security number, his passwords, and his personal identification numbers.

"It appears that the president is among the many thousands of Americans who have fallen for so-called 'phishing' scams," Mueller said. "One should never give out sensitive personal information in response to an e-mail. If the president had read the memo we sent out a few months ago, he would have known that."

Although the FBI has traced H4xX0r1337's now-defunct ISP account to a Mail Boxes, Etc. mailbox in Tempe, AZ, Mueller said apprehending H4xX0r1337 may prove more difficult.

"Identity thieves and hackers are notoriously difficult to locate," Mueller said. "They are often highly intelligent and very skilled at covering their tracks. Making it more difficult, H4xX0r1337 seems to have used his credentials to commandeer Air Force One. At this moment, he could be anywhere in the world."

Bush said he will likely need to spend the entire week reclaiming his identity, adding that he wished to thank everyone who has already assisted him in the process.

"The FBI has been working tirelessly to find this man who hides in the shadows and perpetrates computer terrorism," Bush said. "I'd also like to thank Debrina at Bank One's customer-service center. She was very courteous and super helpful."

This is not the first time a hacker has stolen the identity of a political figure. In February 2004, police arrested Columbus, OH's HotGrrrl69 after the 16-year-old was caught campaigning for John Kerry while posing as Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA).

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