adBlockCheck

Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President

Top Headlines

Politics

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President

Bush examines his credit-card statements.
Bush examines his credit-card statements.

WASHINGTON, DC—Confusion and disbelief reigned at the White House after President Bush announced Monday that an Arizona man, known to authorities only as H4xX0r1337, stole his identity and used it to buy electronic goods, veto a bill, and meet with Mexican President Vicente Fox.

"This is incredibly frustrating," Bush told reporters Tuesday. "Not only does this guy have my credit-card information, he has my Social Security number, all my personal information, and the launch codes for a number of ballistic intercontinental nuclear missiles. I almost don't want to think about it."

"I feel so violated," Bush added.

Bush said he has canceled his credit cards and changed the national-security codes, but he labeled the process a "total nightmare."

"It's a huge ordeal," Bush said. "Everything will be straightened out eventually, but my credit rating and political capital are down the tubes. I asked the FBI, and they aren't even sure how long this guy's had my identity. For all I know, he's started up his own oil refinery somewhere in Alaska."

Close examination of this photo of President Bush’s April 16 address to the White House press corps reveals an imposter FBI authorities believe may be the elusive identity thief H4xX0r1337.

Bush said he began to suspect something was wrong when he received a card from Sen. Bill Frist, thanking him for vetoing the Digital Media Consumers' Rights Act of 2005.

"I thought I was going crazy," Bush said. "I had no recollection of even reading that piece of legislation, much less killing it. At first, I thought Frist had things mixed up, but I checked the records, and sure enough, someone with my credentials came into the White House in late March while I was on my ranch and vetoed that bill."

Bush said he only recognized the full magnitude of the problem last Tuesday, when Mexican President Fox called to thank him for the "incredibly positive and productive summit."

"Vicente said I had agreed to an aid package for his country," Bush said. "It was like I was in cuckoo-land. That's when I called [FBI Director Robert] Mueller. I said, 'You may want to sit down for this one, Bob. I think someone stole my identity.'"

According to Mueller, examining Bush's recent outgoing e-mail led him to believe that the president's identity was probably stolen about five weeks ago, when he responded to an e-mail from paypal783@hotmail.com asking him to comply with PayPal security measures by entering all 12 of his credit-card numbers, his Social Security number, his passwords, and his personal identification numbers.

"It appears that the president is among the many thousands of Americans who have fallen for so-called 'phishing' scams," Mueller said. "One should never give out sensitive personal information in response to an e-mail. If the president had read the memo we sent out a few months ago, he would have known that."

Although the FBI has traced H4xX0r1337's now-defunct ISP account to a Mail Boxes, Etc. mailbox in Tempe, AZ, Mueller said apprehending H4xX0r1337 may prove more difficult.

"Identity thieves and hackers are notoriously difficult to locate," Mueller said. "They are often highly intelligent and very skilled at covering their tracks. Making it more difficult, H4xX0r1337 seems to have used his credentials to commandeer Air Force One. At this moment, he could be anywhere in the world."

Bush said he will likely need to spend the entire week reclaiming his identity, adding that he wished to thank everyone who has already assisted him in the process.

"The FBI has been working tirelessly to find this man who hides in the shadows and perpetrates computer terrorism," Bush said. "I'd also like to thank Debrina at Bank One's customer-service center. She was very courteous and super helpful."

This is not the first time a hacker has stolen the identity of a political figure. In February 2004, police arrested Columbus, OH's HotGrrrl69 after the 16-year-old was caught campaigning for John Kerry while posing as Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA).

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close