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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Arizona Toughens Immigration Laws In Attempt To Rid State Of Phoenix Coyotes

PHOENIX—Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed legislation Thursday designed to finally expel the Phoenix Coyotes and other immigrants blamed for playing hockey in the state. "For too long, Arizona has been plagued by savage Canadian and European men seeping through our borders to engage in these lewd and violent activities," said Brewer, adding that police have found evidence of a facility in the Phoenix suburbs where such immigrants maintain a large sheet of ice. "It's time we send a message to these people that hockey is not welcome here. This crucial legislation empowers law enforcement to arrest the Coyotes and any other groups of Czechs found congregating on frozen water so they can be removed from our state as soon as possible." Arizona police have already made their first arrest under the law, apprehending Coyotes captain Shane Doan Thursday night for driving while under the influence of the metric system.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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