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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Arizona Toughens Immigration Laws In Attempt To Rid State Of Phoenix Coyotes

PHOENIX—Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed legislation Thursday designed to finally expel the Phoenix Coyotes and other immigrants blamed for playing hockey in the state. "For too long, Arizona has been plagued by savage Canadian and European men seeping through our borders to engage in these lewd and violent activities," said Brewer, adding that police have found evidence of a facility in the Phoenix suburbs where such immigrants maintain a large sheet of ice. "It's time we send a message to these people that hockey is not welcome here. This crucial legislation empowers law enforcement to arrest the Coyotes and any other groups of Czechs found congregating on frozen water so they can be removed from our state as soon as possible." Arizona police have already made their first arrest under the law, apprehending Coyotes captain Shane Doan Thursday night for driving while under the influence of the metric system.

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