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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Arizona Toughens Immigration Laws In Attempt To Rid State Of Phoenix Coyotes

PHOENIX—Arizona governor Jan Brewer signed legislation Thursday designed to finally expel the Phoenix Coyotes and other immigrants blamed for playing hockey in the state. "For too long, Arizona has been plagued by savage Canadian and European men seeping through our borders to engage in these lewd and violent activities," said Brewer, adding that police have found evidence of a facility in the Phoenix suburbs where such immigrants maintain a large sheet of ice. "It's time we send a message to these people that hockey is not welcome here. This crucial legislation empowers law enforcement to arrest the Coyotes and any other groups of Czechs found congregating on frozen water so they can be removed from our state as soon as possible." Arizona police have already made their first arrest under the law, apprehending Coyotes captain Shane Doan Thursday night for driving while under the influence of the metric system.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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