Arizona Wildcats Freshman Point Guard Already Calling School 'Zona'

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Vol 45 Issue 36

Area Man Has Heard Of Andre Ethier

BRECKSVILLE, OH—Local man and casual baseball fan Leon Markham confirmed to reporters Wednesday that he has definitely heard the name of baseball player Andre Ethier. "Andrew Ethier, yeah. Shortstop for the Phillies, right?" Markham said of the Dodgers outfielder. "He's good at hitting.

Kevin Youkilis Keeps Everyone On Bus Awake With Another One Of His Nasty Sex Stories

TAMPA, FL—Red Sox infielder Kevin Youkilis reportedly prevented everyone on the team bus from sleeping Monday when he loudly described in disgusting detail the elasticity and mucus secretions of his girlfriend's vagina. "Man, she was pretty hot and bothered, because I'd been stirring up her soup for a while," said Youkilis, adding that her neatly trimmed pubic hair and thighs, as well as their sheets, were all soaked in "pussy juice."

Haiti Makes Bid For 2216 Olympics

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Organizers of the LXXXI Olympiad, which would be held in the capital city of Port-au-Prince, said the event will showcase the many attractions that are sure to be conceptualized, financed, and constructed over the next 207 years.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

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Arizona Wildcats Freshman Point Guard Already Calling School 'Zona'

TUCSON, AZ—In an effort to impress his new University of Arizona teammates, Wildcats freshman point guard Lamont Jones was already referring to the school as "Zona" after his very first practice, sources reported Tuesday. "I waited until I was halfway through junior year to start calling the school Zona," senior guard Nic Wise told reporters. "For Lamont to come in here and start saying 'Zona this' and 'Zona that' like it's no big deal—that's just spitting in the face of everyone who came before him. Zona is a privilege, not a right." Wildcats sources later confirmed that, while dining in the student union, Jones twice referred to the team as the "Sun Devils."

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